Amnesia

So, I've been thinking this for a long time just haven't really had the time to refine it, but now it's come to the forefront of my mind. The ultimate test of nature versus nurture: what if you suddenly got full blown amnesia as people know it, called retrograde amnesia, would you still be the same person? I haven't seen too many instances of this in the fictional media. A lot of what we are stems from our memories and our experiences. It shapes our fears, aspirations and how we deal with pain and loss. If you could forget all but the basic information and skills, would you? Obviously it would be extremely hard to test something like this, as bringing on amnesia is as much of a mystery as how you can cure it is. And there is no way to grab two identically genetic people and raise them the same to test. I think of a lot of my problems. Amnesia in some ways could save me. Keep me from remembering. I mean, the bad times far outweigh any good. I suppose I'll have to wait until the find a way to safely induce before attempting to experiment.

Cold, Cold, So Very Cold

I've always agreed with cold weather, especially in my youth. The main reason is not even a physical one. The feeling I get out there, the cold wind upon my cheek, the biting chill at my fingertips, it all.... made me feel alive. It filled me with such life, such activity, such a contentment that is unusually strange. Another is that most people are indoors and animals look for shelter. Insects are all gone. It's just a stillness, no living creatures around. All hiding, all tucked away, all away from me. I truly feel like the street is mine, I, for the only time outside of my "cavern", feel alone in the streets. Not being observed, not being sensed, completely alone.

My favorite time of the year again. I will miss these times. (Also, fuck Christmas)

Christianity Works

I say Christianity because it's the one I'm most familiar with, but we need all religion. I had a thought that we should just kill all the stupid people. Make stupidity illegal, by penalty of death. It would solved a lot of problems, but I now realize we need a unit of measure, for one. We also need the dumb people to do all the menial jobs that people like me don't want to do. See, if they realize they're stupid and their life is pointless, they might kill themselves. We would have mass suicide on a scale the likes we've never seen. But I figured out we need theists, we need them to think there is a higher purpose that they are "getting", that us high and mighty atheists won't get. Hey, I'm just fine with that illusion, dumb people sustain society. They also drag it down, but killing them all isn't the way. Now, stopping the lineage of some, however, is an idea I am not against, but for.

Is Human Life Sacred?

To everyone I know (almost everyone), they would say that human life is sacred automatically, without thinking. But it's the same as saying "I love my family". You don't think about it, you just say/feel it. What makes human life sacred? The fact that we live and are aware? This may be the case thousands of years ago, but now with overpopulation, it seems that fact is flawed. Humans breed rapidly, among the other species. It's not because of a short gestation or maturation span, it's because of our ability to survive and endure longer than any other species. When I hear of another random dead human, I think "one down, 8 billion to go". Okay, not that extreme but if an even more aware species came along, they might view us as we view lesser species. Run rampant and out of control, we hunt to control the population and restore balance to nature. Who makes the call that we are different from this law of nature? I guess the fact that we are superior has something to do with it, but if a more advanced race comes along, nature will take its course.

Religion and medicine say that all human life is sacred. That we are all equal, in God's eyes or when ill. I spoke of value before, so obviously, I don't think this is so. What makes us sacred? The millions, billions, who are just placeholders for the continuation of our species, why do they matter? So what if you didn't stop that robber from shooting and killing that man, there are plenty more of him out there. The fact that it isn't hard to make life - at least, for the living beings - devalues it and the evil that resides in all of us devalues it further.

If you think that all human life is sacred, stop lying to yourself. And if you truly, truly believe it, then you are an even bigger fool than you can possibly imagine.

You Can't Prove An Idea Or Feeling

Lies are a fairly easy thing. I lie on daily basis. It is a common part of living amongst.... uncivilized people. But they are restricted to harsh slanderous remarks. Lies also come in the form of knowledge or admission. I cannot trust anyone. Anyone who is stupid enough not to lie won't garner my respect and those who do lie I can never hold in too high regard. It troubles me what people say versus their actual actions. They don't match up. And if you inquire, well then, using words, they claim that isn't case, furthering their "hole digging". I hold that you can only truly know someone's intentions, 100%, when they are backed into a corner, with no way out, metaphorically and literally, when the time calls for it.

You have to do more than just tell me something. You have to prove your point, you have to make me believe what you are saying. There are many things to gain from lying and I know every single one of them. You have to prove it, through actions. Because words, just as people, are meaningless to me.

The Experiment Officially Ends

So, I have halted this experiment many times, but now I am officially calling it off. It began almost a year ago (even though it's initial conception was near the end of December, the ball in motion started in the middle of November). I learned a lot, both of human nature and of myself, but ultimately ended up in the same place I was when I started.

The hypothesis was that I can not function, socially, around anyone. That I am such a solitary being to the point of exclusion. Now, there were a lot of different assumptions I have. I was glad enough that I could conduct this experiment in the same grounds it was conceived in. Very convenient. I thought maybe the closest group to my own interests would be enough to prove that I can indeed form connections that were equal and not at the expense of either party, as is all other relations I have ever had. But turns out my hypothesis was correct. I am just too different. Those within the study group, though fascinating, turned out to be simple minds just with a more complex way of perceiving and thinking, while bringing nothing more useful to the table. In essence, I learned that the majority of folks are quite the same. Sure, there are different personality traits among them, but overall they lack a certain "thing" required for me to view them equally and without bias.

Throughout this experiment, I suffered some changes. Firstly, somehow I forgot to listen. That's an odd thing to forget, but I became less perceptive of my surroundings, offline and on. But I gained a certain amount of confidence in my abilities I didn't have before. Seems an even balance. Although this experiment was taxing physically, mentally, financially, but above all of those, it was the most emotional taxing of any of my others. Basically because it created them in me. Well, anything but angry and rage, anyway. I can't say it was an entirely scientific experiment because I had push in which outcome I would have, thus contaminating the results.

Of course, for any experiment to be valid, it must be tested multiple times under the same condition. I have no such time so the information I take from this will suffice. There is such a curious thing in simple humans. They tend to band together, in some sort of camaraderie despite differences. I understand if there is a need to "fight" a common enemy, which for them would be boredom I guess. What I found to be disturbing was their lack of passion. They seemed content, but I sensed an inner hollowness in most of them. Something bad in their past that left them morbidly bitter to push them into the position they are in, as part of the community. I don't condemn them for it, but the fact that that hasn't done much for their state of mind is much worse. People both in the experiment and those I see around, they lack such a passion and hell, compassionate caring. Ironic coming from me, but I think I care more about the "real" things than they do. Always taken for granted, probably because it's just as I say, no one is special. I die, you move on. Few cases defy this convention.

A very curious thing happened during this experiment (I would say because of). I wouldn't say another experiment, that's a bit too harsh, but kind of a trial. Something a bit more extreme than the original experiment. Something I wished the outcome differently than my original hypothesis. Although, once again must be proven multiple times before fact and once more I have taken it as fact, it fell to it's bloody end. What I learned from that is that anyone willing wouldn't be up to par, but anyone up to par wouldn't be willing.

So that experiment ends with much learned and gained. The next one, I don't know about. I must analyze this further before continuing.

I'm Interesting

I don't think one person on the world thinks of themselves that they aren't the most interesting person they've ever known. I certainly think I have a lot of interesting to rant on (part of my responsibility in this little experiment called public knowledge of certain "personal" topics). But I can only compare myself to the beings of my environment, which is like acknowledging what's more dangerous, a Bengal tiger or a tabby cat. People who spout ignorant statements, passing off offhand opinions as if fact. If I lived in a bigger city, I may be more humble. But as it stands, I easily stand above these primitives I live around.

Now before when I thought I wasn't interesting (aka before the internet), I listened to people. They didn't have anything to really say, but I savor knowledge. Now that I have access to more information (and the fact that people outside aren't really as different as I thought), I have kinda elevated myself to a higher plateau, if you will, than I deserve. I don't know how to listen now. I have come from being a bystander, watching, to a participant, expressing and fighting for my beliefs.

It's funny when you change, because it's usually so subtle to you that you don't notice. It's what I've always said "I don't want to be the same person in a year" and indeed I have kept my word, incorporating new information to add to the ever expanding matrix, attributing to how I perceive everything. It's a good thing, I know. If I'm in a bad environment, I adapt to fit that environment. Considering I've always been in a bad area, if I move to something better, will I change.... to fit? It's kinda a conformist's attitude, which is bad.

Mortality

I think about death. Most people don't. Most are afraid to even utter the word. I tried, with some random folks, but instead I get a horrified response "Shh! Don't talk like that" as if Death is listening or something. We live, thus we die. It's simple. Now, it's not healthy to be thinking that much about it. It's not like something is too be gained, except for a greater appreciation of life.

Also, most people have a problem with dying. That's alright, nothing wrong with that. But life is not important. Sentient life is completely unnatural. It defies the natural cycle, by sheer will alone. There is an order in nature. And resisting an inevitable turn is just..... unnatural. I am not yet over my fear of death. I'm almost there. I'm sure if I asked a random stranger why they are alive, they would answer (after they get through with the weirdness of some guy asking them this) "Why would I die?". The problem with people and grieving is that they think life is eternal until it just happens. Being as how I don't care about near anyone, I haven't experienced this loss, firsthand. Sure, relatives, but I don't count them, as my standard of life was not affected. Will I see a shift in my stance on death if I experience firsthand? Who knows, but I doubt it. Living beings cannot comprehend death because you cannot compare it to any other kind of experience. To just not be. An end to your influence, your actions in the world.

Not So Special

There are several factors that make up how people act. But they are all indirect. Most have nothing to even do with the thoughts. Background, environment, prior relationships/contacts, family, religious affiliation... I could go on all day. Point is, no one is truly special or different. I'm certainly not. I can cite each instance of my "personality" in a previous experience. We are just the product of our experiences. That's all. So, the next time you go out of your way to think that someone is different from all the rest, just think: they just had slightly different experiences, but that doesn't necessarily lead to a difference worth noting, just a difference. Nothing under, just a difference, not more or less, just equally different. It's great, if things don't work out, just look for other people with different experiences. Sure, you couldn't make a test and determine which experiences you want or not want. It's somewhat dependent upon the person, but ultimately, it's not that big a factor in it.

Billions of lives.... nothing is truly different, just merely unknown.

Remembrance

I can't stop thinking. Each little thing that happens brings new light into that particular piece of my life. Simple acts turn into grandeur conspiracies. The need to know what you think about, especially when it pertains to me, causes to act in a way that either reinforces that belief (which could be non-existent to begin with) or creates it. The character, the show I put on for you to judge that, instead what I really am, it creates all this data to be stored. With each analysis, with each piece of information I garner, I feel that just the simple act of remembering reality without tons of MY perspective (some will be there, there's no getting around that) is growing harder and harder. I forget the majority of things I shouldn't. Maybe from all the other data, that this I deem insignificant, gets deleted. This is why I cannot carry on in any normal kind of fashion. This is why how I relate to all of you will be just all me. You have no say in the matter.

That's just a theory. The real reason, I don't know. Maybe in a few years, I won't even remember anything that is happening now, even significant events. It's growing, this "disease" or whatever it is.

Through the constant face, that is the only way I'll remember. What would you do?

Standing On The Edge

"I've been standing on the edge of the roof looking down
I've been looking at the people that are gathering around
I've been here for an hour or maybe even more
Just looking at the people that I've never seen before
Stupid little suckers all laughing at me
No wills, cheap thrills, you're puppets to the master
Your only satisfaction is my lonely disaster
You learned how to creep, you learned how to crawl
But you never really learned anything at all

When I was a boy, everything was just fine
I learned how to talk and how to walk in line
I had to learn the rules that built our society
But I could never understand, it didn't mean shit to me
Everybody always told that I was out of my mind
But I never did kiss anybody's behind
I'm a lot older and I guess I should know
But I'm standing on the roof, just watching the show
Standing on the edge, and my step belongs to me
And I'm telling you all, I won't miss what I see

One foot over, there's not time to turn around
Both feet are over and I'm heading to the ground
I'm flying in the air and I can feel the cool breeze
The people on the pavement have gone into a freeze
No space, no time, it's like walking on the Moon
My heart is still beating, but it won't be soon
I can hear myself scream when I hit the street
I can't feel a thing from my head to my feet
I told you I would do it and I didn't even cry
I feel more alive dead, than when I was alive"

-Clawfinger's Catch Me, translated and taken from the Asta Kask song Dom Får Aldrig Mig.

Conservatism in America

I am led to believe that anyone who calls themselves a "conservative" without adding "but not with those nutjobs who say Obama is a racist Nazi" should just shut the hell up and not vote. These conservatives are now becoming my favorite people to hate, passing theists. How can you honestly sit there and say things like "Obama's a Nazi, an enemy within, he's out to take our freedoms and expand the government" when the two last motherfuckers DID that? Bush and Cheney pushed executive power passed the constitutional limit. Executive orders are a natural part of that branch, but when Dumb and Dumber used it to wiretap and imprison people without a trial, how can the conservatives claim that more government was started by Obama? It's hypocrisy on the highest level.

My next point, remember when they said stand by your president, because he's your leader? Yep, thrown that right out the window. Now it's "challenge your president and question his every move, even when it's not an important one" (when Obama went to lay down his case for Chicago for the Olympics). These same people, when liberals and rational people challenged the Bush administration, called them unpatriotic and siding with the terrorists. And now with McCarthyism becoming a cool thing again, a war of the nation is going to happen. Some dumbass, uninformed, uneducated (because he thinks Glenn Beck is a goddamn prophet) is going to make a move and we would have to act.

Reason and logic are the mortal enemies of stupidity.

The Human Perception

Humans can only perceive things in the human universe. We can't think of what it's like to have pincers, wings, fins, or long tails. We can only comprehend things, through the filter of human and life. We can't comprehend death because we have only experienced things, through life. It's like saying you can successfully pilot an aircraft, when the most complicated machine you've driven was a bicycle.You just can't comprehend not existing. Really ponder it. Imagine dying and just not existing. That's right, can't do it. Now, from that detour, my main focus:

Deist argue that God did this, God did that. God seems less like a supreme being and more like a human with powers. A supreme being would not be doing things we comprehend. To lump God with some sort of extraordinary purpose, when all he does is punish those he doesn't agree with. "God is mysterious" no. God is maniacal, not mysterious. You can say the same thing about serial killers. Were they not mysterious, with unknown motives?

And now the afterlife, my biggest peeve with humans perceiving otherworldly events, with a human bias. If you transcend your species into something else (aka the afterlife), will you still crave the same things? Being a completely spiritual entity, will you still want 72 virgins? Would you still want humanly pleasures? No, you would fundamentally change, based on what you would become, in the afterlife. You wouldn't have the same biological urges, because urges are for living beings. Don't you see? What would drive you in this life, wouldn't in the after. What you want out of everlasting life in your human form, would change. There's really no way I can explain it better. Urges, wants, needs... they are for living creatures, with chemicals in their brains driving such forces.

I Hate Hot Chicks Part Two

Now this part consists of the social treatment of this particular brand of human. I have encountered this more, in the past few months. "Hot" chicks obviously have preferential treatment. Since this is a male dominated society, this is most prevalent. I don't care if you are the most open-minded hot chick ever, your perception of society is going to be different from the normal girl. Everyone will laugh at your jokes, everyone will think your ideas are good, everyone will like you. The only who won't are other jealous hot chicks..... and people like me (male and female). Before, I mentioned exceptions. I find out, there are none. This is widespread across the board. Now, that also depends on what crosses the line into "hot chick". I can't outline it, but you can see it in any particular attractive female.

Due to everyone already having an opinion of you before you even open your mouth, you don't have to develop a personality. While this doesn't matter in the beginning, you will struggle later on. Every single living person, to me, offers a new perspective on life. A new way to perceive, imagine, see the world around us. Different thoughts, different opinions, different experiences, I only seek the learn from those I have not. The one exception to people I can learn from, you guessed it, "hot chicks". Their perspective is that of everyone around them, they don't need to develop an opinion to anything that doesn't directly affect them.

This does not upset me, that just because the idea of a human with the right features just gets a breeze through life. On the flip side, someone with beauty of the mind, with such rich ideas and thoughts, do not get the recognition they deserved because they don't fit the model of a physically attractive human. It doesn't because what you call 'karma' is on my side. The people of REAL beauty are realized a little later on, but those who aren't vain and materialistic, while their "hot" counterparts get used and the beauty that they possessed is ages out, in a short time.

REAL beauty doesn't age.

Funny (Like A Clown)

I think I know how I'll be received in ordinary society. It won't change as I get older. People will view me as a joke, someone to not take serious. Because you have to be the same to be taken seriously. For your ideas to have any merit, you need some sort of credentials, something that says "Hey, see, I CAN think". Granted, I can't apply for a heart surgeon and get by on my extensive knowledge of watching ER (I don't watch it actually, it's a crap show). But in other things. In non-material matters. Philosophy, psychology (yeah, maybe I need a degree, a thing that says I've studied the science) but just in general, it will be looked down upon. And that's fine. Low expectations allow for a more surprising event.

I am just too different. Why must all of you be the same? I see names, faces, that are completely interchangeable. And they are fine with that. I suppose it's just a matter of preference, but to exemplify complacency and the mainstream is unimaginative and keeps off at the slow rate of progression that we have. My "people" will always be a joke to you. Fine. That just means you'll stay out of our way. So, sit back, watch your ABC, go to the hair salon, and just stay out of the way of people who want change in your little world.

Those That Lead

There are two kinds of people, at least for this demonstration. First, there are followers, or people who follow one particular group. Nothing wrong with these folks... not really, but they just are easily swayed. Afraid to garner criticism, on a personal level (some of the extreme ones take offense to attack on their idols or group) and also not willing to dish any out.... unless their group is doing so to another group. Ordinary people, I'd say a rough estimate of 75% to 85% of all people are this. They do their thing, fall in line and that's their lot in life. They figure "hey, there has to be something good to it, if so many people ascribe to it". It's not necessarily they are submitting, just getting a group that fits to their beliefs best. And tend to follow that group in wherever it goes. Left to themselves, they wouldn't accomplish much. Not because of laziness or inability to act, just because of fear. They need a good push in the right direction.

Then there are the leaders or people without the clout of being criticized and chastised, thinkers who move in the way of their values as they perceive it, not as a group would. Now, these help the former type found a path. Most of these kinds of people tend to be a bit condescending. The ordinary human isn't capable of much by himself. It's always been great leaders to "guide" the masses. The ordinary human has too many social fears and obligations to be worried about real change. I've come to realize I'm not a follower. My strong independent mind, I feel most don't have a clue. They need people like me. To push them forward, to break new ground for them to stand on. I can think of a dozen cases where I demonstrated a proactive step forward, where my inactivity would have led to nowhere, because of my opposing's inactivity. I have no fears about not being liked or respected. There's a time when views, radical views, must be brought forth, not to be judged. As I said, the ordinary would live in comfortability, with no change because the Now is good. One 'leader' can do more than what 1,000 'followers' can do.

Now, look at yourself. Are you led easily? Do you feel as your right as a human is to live safe and secure, with no harm or worries? What is life if not fraught with danger to obtain that which is greater and more rewarding than the "safe" paths? And if you are religious, just forget about it.

Comes down to two things: are you independent or dependent on happiness?

The Art of Pure Repetitive Banter

Normally, I try to write posts that at least stimulate the cerebral cortex, if not fully engage it. This, however, is slightly different. I'm kinda pissed and there will be a lot of profanity in this post, I'm guessing. Just warning you now.

Alright, so I work with relatively lower class people, in both financial state and mindset. Dealing with these people in a relatively sane matter I found to be entirely impossible and avoided whenever you can. They think like children. This is not an insult or debasing their character. They literally perceive things as a child would. Frankly, I find it hard to consider these people my elders. Like they had more of a life experience, hardships and good times, that they had just experienced more. Very hard to believe. And to come out like that. Okay, fine, they don't have to be moody all the time, but come on. A little discourse would be nice. This is why I don't just respect those older than I. They don't deserve it just because of. I don't know if they seen so much bad shit that they just can't handle thinking and "playing it cool". Earn respect, you dumbasses. I don't respect age, gender, race, sexuality, nationality, financial state, which area you live, fuck, even what planet you're from. All I respect is content of one's character. Too much time is spent on niceties with motherfuckers who don't deserve it. It's injustice, pure and simple. But anyway, back to the story....

So, that being said, there is one of them that stands above as King (or rather in this case, Queen) of the Adult Kids. She literally never shuts the fuck up EVER! She will tell you something, and then five minutes after, TELL YOU THE SAME GODDAMN STORY OVER AGAIN! I never thought this would get to me like this. So petty. But now I understand where others come from. Now, another trick she does is if you somehow have a humorous anecdote relating to the current topic, she'll talk over you. It's conceitedness, on a scale I have never seen before. Oh, and if you call her out on any bullshit, she cries. Now, does that sound like a goddamn, fucking adult to you? This goes to show I can't deal with the lower class. Ha, yes, I turn an aristocratical nose up to them.

Politics: Health Care Reform

Now, it seems that if you are not living under a rock, you have to have some kind of stance on the White House's Health Care Reform bill. The way I see it, you have two types of people. You have the freaking insane right-wing saying that the president is a Nazi, that the Speaker of the House is a Nazi, and that this is the first step to the government's long term plan to control your brain, with microwaves feeding information into your head. The one thing they DON'T know: they are fighting the government, to pay MORE for health insurance, or for some, to get any at all! I think that amount of ignorance is just astounding. I mean, simply mindblowing. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UASS1qFAIQ8&feature=autofb
(Funny how that claim that Obama is going to take all our rights away and throw the old people in death panels, but what did our last president do? There was no speculation, a "what if", he DID take our freedoms..... in the name of freedom! Where were all these people, then?)

And of course, you have the second type. The ones who don't lift a finger and want the government to do everything for them. I'm all for some government intervention, but complete reliance on incompetent, and corrupt, upper class white old guys is not my idea of a way to live. Power does corrupt. We need a more balanced system and not one completely controlled by easily swayed humans. I would say machines, but Judgment Day... I don't think so.

Overall, I support the bill, under the condition it CAN pay for itself and not add to the deficit. Anything to force competition on those dirty health insurance companies. They are straight thieves, no doubt about it.

A Friend

Every time I've used the word "love" it has referred to the general consensus of what the word means. Romantic relationships. That's it. And I think about this word a lot, because it so ingrained into our very fabric of humanity, yet is entirely without sense. Like a African tribesman trying to figure out electrical wiring. We can't comprehend its gravity, how it is, and not to the mention the chemicals released into our heads upon "falling" for it.

But my meaning is so much deeper than that contrived term. To me, it refers to that connection, that moment where you, without even thinking, cease to be, in place of this person. I said feelings and emotions are good, in check. I don't throw the word around - in my meaning- lightly. I take it very serious. I take both extremes, very serious. Because people die over this. They choose not to even exist over this. It's such a powerful thing, yet so goddamn meaningless, due to the fact that there is no lofty gain that anyone else could point at and say "Well, that fellow certainly accomplished something". It has been so watered down and overused that we are desensitized to it, now. Love. Used to mean something. Now it can be used for two promiscuous partners who like to screw a lot. I hate THAT meaning. I think it can be a good thing, indeed. My love can be very motivating. It can back you into a corner, and as I stated previously I like that.

Environmental Factors

So, take a guess as to a person who is born in a 99.6% white region, predominantly a certain religion, and a "morally-centered" community, what do you get? Just where we grow up and who we are around, affect us greatly. Say someone in my region (look above), would normally follow the beer-swilling, tractor-driving, trailer trash dumbshit who happens to be the majority. I took that, and went the opposite way. Do you think you'd be the same person, in slightly different conditions? Religion also factors. I mean, I'll never run into a gay Buddhist, here. That's right, I just said that sexual orientation and religious affiliation is DIRECTLY affected by environmental factors. If you live in a predominantly religious area, you have two options: for or against. Not other, more obscure religions. Just the same with sexual orientation. If it is tabooed to hell, it wouldn't happen. Just to be clear, I think there are equal parts being "born" gay and "turning" gay, due to environmental factors (rebellious, and/or gay friend).

A lot of what you are, is based on that. Don't think you'd be the same anywhere. If you want a better understanding of any particular person, just study their surroundings.

Anonymity

As creatures of intellect and emotion, most of what drives our everyday wants are emotional urges. In short, we all want to be liked, respected, and loved. You know how you are. You know what you think, your opinions on any sort of topic, your religious views, your own definition of morality.... who else knows that about you? Most people who you see on a daily basis, be them wanted or business-related, don't know the intimate details. Throughout your life, you do nothing than hide your true feelings, in an attempt to seem more mainstream, so you will be liked and respected. Think about when you meet someone for the first time. Think of the words. Is that really you? Of course, I don't know you, so I don't know if this is true or not. Though, I could not confirm nor deny, even if I did know you. You can only know people through how they are to YOU. That's my biggest peeve. It's those who exist in a lie. Well, second biggest peeve (that being those who are timid, weak, afraid to discuss their true feelings).

The internet brings this even to a new level. The ultimate place where you can act out your character with little regard to physical safety. On the opposite side, I have seen some who come alive and, through the means of a different kind of communications that is not that of normal conventions, show their true side. Be themselves, and not a lie to accommodate everyone else.

In your life, online and off, be yourself. Unless you are a total douchebag and the reason why you are a lie is because your personality is absolutely atrocious... but for all others, don't be anonymous. Be true and there will be those who will respect for what's inside.

Family And Friends (Compatibility)

Let's face it, not many people like their family members. Is it a wonder as to why this is? Family is just a loosely based group of people, held together by biological ties and nothing else. In essence, people you HAVE to be around. I believe that means nothing. People must be proven worthy by character and not some biological collective genes. Not to say some families aren't legitimate. Sometimes they are compatible people. Most times they aren't. Spare me the "love your family" talk. It just doesn't work.

Now onto friends. Friends, on the opposite side, are people you choose to be around. There aren't any ties there of any kind. Unless you subscribe to the "family friends" type, in which that might as well be called family. Friends are just people who happen to (now this part is very important) appear compatible. Really, most friendships are sparked by coincidence, some incident which has a temporary binding until a real connection is formed. Most of the time, that real connection is never formed.

Don't believe me? Take a look at this:

How many people have you met, under the pretense of friend, who you don't talk to anymore? They could be old middle-to-high school friends, they could old co-workers, they could be whatever, I'm sure you get my point. And things fall apart and fade away. Why is that? Temporary binding until that wears off and are faded back to apathetic opinion of that person. Which brings me to "best friends" or people who have stayed in contact with each other over a number of years, regardless of distance or circumstance. People who have been partners , for years even decades, in a business run together. THAT is what real compatibility is. That is what is worthwhile.

Just think of that, next time you fall out of grace with someone, with no discernible event happening

I Hate You

I do hate you. Yes, you. I know some will read this and think "Well, he certainly doesn't hate me". No, you are incorrect. "He doesn't even know me, how can he--" I can and do. I hate you. If you are reading this, I hate you (unless you are me, in which case I don't hate you). I hate what you like. I hate what you aspire to. I hate your hobbies. I hate those little things you say. I hate everything about you. Everything that makes up your composition, as a person. By even making this post, I am inhibiting my growth, as a human being with your hideous nonsense.

Now, I can't remember the last time I used that phrase seriously. I don't go around spouting to people that I hate them. It illicits a very emotional response from some. It is just an opinion. I say I like turkey, you wouldn't get offended at that, would you? If I hate you, I won't even waste the breath to argue or point this out. Once that becomes my belief, you are dead. You no longer "pick up" on my radar. You must be thinking that, since I still do converse with some of you, oh I can't hate you. But I do, just to a lesser extent. I either hate you or don't know you.

Earlier Than Later

Is it hard to imagine being different? If you tell most kids "When you get older, you will be a completely different person", they yell "No! I won't". It just seems like being different, having different interests, different likes/dislikes, aspirations/fears, friends/enemies, frightens most. Well, I know what change is. And people can change in an instant.

I recently found this out. Something just.... spoke to me, told me that what I was, was a lie. I was trying to mold myself into an image I didn't like. I wasn't true to myself and my beliefs. It wasn't conformity, but the principles still rang true. Things change. Just like my transformation into the being you see here now, my mind just switches. As it did here.

Look inside yourself. Determine exactly who you are... and who you want to be. Don't lie and pretend like you ARE that person. Who you want to be, that's what you aspire to, not instantly become. Because when the news hits you, you may surprised at your reaction.

Please Excuse Me

I noticed a very strange thing. I'm sure you know what subliminal means (if not, look it up, you ARE on the internet, after all). In all of your actions and words, as "subliminal" as they are, I see the true meaning of them. In ALL of your actions and words. Even where no subliminal underlying message is present. Things should never be taken at face value. So I ask you, please excuse my behavior, if you don't know what you did. I think the lack of communication is what causes most conflicts in the first place.

Maybe if I was stupid and brainless, we wouldn't have this problem.

Living In The Past

I hope that you wonder how much of your life is spent, living in the past. Living on past achievements. Living in former glories. If you are old, pay no mind, this isn't for you. All you have is the past and I respect that. I am talking about anyone younger than 40. Let me ask you the big question:

How much of your relationships are predicated on history?

Let me elaborate. Family relationships, all they are, are built on history. Friends... you must have that one guy who you dislike, but because you "were" good friends, you keep him around. Why is that? Why is so much owed to "the past"? Why can't people just be judged on how they are now? As I move away from people, I am feeling like I owe them something. For what, because we used to get along?

I don't play that game. Another one of society's rules with just doesn't make any sense.

Stings of a Conscience

What am I? This question is not often pondered. Because it sort of is a dumb question. But lately, I haven't been able to answer that. I have my beliefs and ideals, but I find myself sometimes acting, naturally, in a way unfitting of my personality. I attributed it to my getting "soft". It hasn't always been like this. But can one really live without doubt? The path I've created seems to lead nowhere. Well, nowhere good. But if I change my wheels now, can I really fully embrace the kind of person that would do that? In short, could I live with - myself? As I get older, I am fraught with these kinds of challenges. It's becoming harder to go on in this mentality.... in this frame.

So, for most who know me, know how I am. Then, why do the pains of being "me" exist? What came so easily a year ago, is becoming harder to maintain, now. Come to think of it, is it just a phase? Has what I thought was me, through and through, been a fucking phase?!?

So, perhaps, I am just a mockup of two personalities, at war with one another. Seeing who can win control, and make a decision helping along their own agenda. Heh, watch out, everyone. You never who, with me, who you'll get.

A Refusal To Withdraw

This is why I refuse to stand down towards conformity's ringdings. This is why I choose to question, not with a polite stance, but with an angry fist. This is why I seek not only to better mankind in all areas, but to keep con artists and other "unsuitable" people from gaining from the lame and common (I just said that, huh? Must be getting soft, in my old age).

My recent bout with Scientologists has taught me a great deal in the way of human understanding. Here I thought Christians were bad. Sure, Christians half-ass spirtuality with their God talk and their lack of comprehension of even the simplest scientific "theories" (just because, unlike religious zealots, we KNOW we can't possibly explain or know everything for sure). It pains me to see people fall to such madness, without even fighting. Now, if you are either/or of the previous mentioned religions, I won't sway your mind. You'll see me as a spiritless heathen and disregard every word I said. Good. Stay your course and fail your entire life.

This is for everyone else. While you sit idlely by and let our labour people get caught up in nonsense, our civilization slows down. Now, before ever, we need to combat these fallacies and get knowledge out. In the information age, misinformation is being shared more than real information. It is YOU, who I blame. Those who religion is not really a factor for. "Let them believe what they want to". Funny how if I said I was going to commit suicide, how many people would object, strongly? Isn't that hypocrisy? I want to, it's my decision. If I was going to, who are you to tell me not to. They are "hurting" society by following the drivel the past founders who really were just making stuff up, for vain reasons, anyway. Lucky thing about religion, no matter how many facts, no matter how many truths, no matter how many just basic logical conclusions, they always stick to their faith. How noble.

I call it cowardice. Face the truth and if you can't handle it, take some pills until you can.

The Constraints Of Reality

More and more I find that I cannot be the person I want to be. The idealistic viewpoint from which I strive my mental capacity and my tangible goals... it's unrealistic. I am not living in this world, but a different one. Not a fantastical, romantic one that others dream about and what they live in. It's really not that different from reality. See, I was under the assumption that people actually thought about things. That I could provoke an enlightening conversation, from any person. That is untrue. People utterly refuse to think about things that go deeper than their weekend plans. And anyone who spends time thinking, wondering, pondering about the whole of existence, are seen as slackers. They are just unwilling to be seen as "different".

Also, I have realized that solitude, complete and utter solitude, I just can't do it anymore. I think that relying on people, for anything, is just faulty logic, because people are fickle and always trying to take advantage of anything to further their gain. But, alas, it seems I cannot escape the harsh realities. I only hope to realize something as provocative as I did, all those years ago, when I successfully pulled off complete solitude.

It's a mixed bag of fallacies that is making me question my own existence, when this is reality and these are my thoughts. It seems that, without chemical help, I am destined to be stranded within my own mind. For I cannot stop what I think, what I realize, or what I feel, especially when it plays against what should be expected or is deemed accepted by society. You can't live in society, without living by their rules.

What's the point of living, when this is what I have to look forward to?

Creationist + Evolutionist = F@#%ing Moron

We know what Creationism is all about. That God (or more specifically, a deity) created the world. Designed all the animals, by hand.

We know what evolution is all about. Came from atoms, adapted to survive.

Now, when a Christian (a Creationist) says they believe in evolution, it makes me want to end a small puppy's life. How can you believe two contradictory things? It's like being a Jewish Nazi. Or being a Log Cabin Republican. Just doesn't make any sense. "God made things to evolve" No, he didn't. He made the things as they are, because it's HIS design. Gods are egotistical asses. They aren't going to allow their creation to "evolve" out of the exact thing that it is. It would defy God, and if he is defied, the world ends.

So tell me, you crazie. Does it make sense, to YOU?

Just Another Body, Part Two

There are 6 billion humans currently, on Earth. There, most likely, has been near 1,000,000x times that, in all of existence. What makes YOU so special? On the flip side, what comes with running with the herd? If you are thinking like most people, then you won't go anywhere. Among humans, sure, you may be just right. Achieve as much, and live as such. But among the universe... it takes another kind of special. One who is not bound by "popular" morality, "popular" values, "popular" standards. When someone steps out of line, we feel inclined to push them back in, chastise them for even thinking about it, putting them down because they refuse to be "human".

What is "human", anyway? Humans are social creatures, so that would lend one to believe that traveling in groups and living in a civilization successfully, that what it is to be human. But humans are also very smart. So, to invent and think creatively to solve crisis, that's what it is to be human. But creativity isn't common. Creativity, by very definition, is against the mainstream.

I have always had a problem with complacent humans. People who do things, out of habit, or because it's "what they are suppose to". I fall out of line, on purpose. I feel like it's my duty to remind people, that some out content with what they want. What they would classify as "normal", just doesn't apply. Even applying labels to unique "normal" people, that doesn't apply.

It's unfortunate that the extremely creative, often get confused with the attention whores.

What I See

I am not searching for a "soul mate". I'm not even searching for a mate. But every once in a while, someone just strikes me.

It takes a very unique sets of traits for me to see that in someone. I seem to see not a physical appearance, but rather it's reflected by the personality and intellect, that's how I perceive someone's outward appearance. Think of it like this: ever see a picture after a car wreck? You see the car banged up, but you don't know how it came to be that way. Well, when I see pictures of that certain "someone", it's like that. A still picture cannot convey, adequately, what I see and perceive.

All that aside, I hate when these things happen. My severe lack of trust of anyone is what will keep any kind of normal person away. Among other things. And it's always the wrong person. That even a normal fantastical scenario would never exist. Luckily, I can probably blame it on youth.

That's the one thing I love about my pseudo-alzheimers. It allows me to forget what I feel, a lot of the time. Forgetting is good.

Afterthought

I realized a few things out in San Diego. Whatever I fooled my own mind into thinking beforehand, all went away as the times for choices came. I am who I am, simply put. I can't just be, like some people. I need a purpose. That's why tragedy is so attractive. Tragedy weakens the complacent and allows others to display their talents and abilities.

This trip also accelerated my growth, almost exponentially. I learned a lot. About myself and about the nature of humans.

Also, a strange thing happened. An "overwhelming" feeling befallen me. Sure, it was gut and it was instinct, without any logic or reason. Perhaps I missed my chance to explore it further. But it will fade with time. Feelings and emotions are only good, when kept in check. And this trip expelled too much from me. I am not one for feeling helpless, but such situations like these paralyze the unprepared. And unprepared I was.

And the sweet embrace of seclusion beckons me, once again. After two weeks of "being wanted", I am ready to fall back into my typical role.

I have changed. Only time will tell in what ways I changed the most.

The Curse

There's this curse that has been following me for as long as I could remember. I never actually acknowledged it as a curse, before now. But I am convinced that it is. Curse, bad karma, bad juju, whatever you want to call it. And it goes like this:

Everything good that has ever happened to me, an equal (or greater) bad thing has happened. It first started with my most major car accident. My older brother (who I adored at the time) gave me these two giant plastic coins (one of nickel, one of the penny). Being that I adored him, I adored these coins. Coincidentally, that same day was the wreck and I lost those coins. It's a small thing, but to me, it was the worst. And it just gotten worse over time.

Now, the latest... I am destined to live a life of misery. Bad things that happen, they can't be stopped. And the trend is such that it's not "fate" or "things happening for a reason". It's a direct attempt at ill will.

Suppose, maybe, there is really a god. And I pissed him off.

The Outsider's Edge

So, now it's official. I'm not a group person. I previously thought this was because the groups that were the options, well, sucked. This is not the case. Even when I should be with "my group", I'm not. Simply because they are just not compatible people. I mean, these people have put entertainment up on a pedestal. I know this is a once in a decade trip, but they seem to salivate at thought of seeing a celebrity. Why? What do these celebrities do? They do nothing.

Entertainment used to be a muse for people of action. A source of inspiration to change the world. It was to move the mind, force you to think in ways that will cause you to reflect upon society and reflect upon yourself. Sadly though, this is no longer the case. Entertainment now is just a vessel for people to forget about their problems, instead of dealing with them directly or doing something to better their situation. It's just fucking disheartening to see what "moves" these people. Shakespeare and other known artists would go into rage at what is being done because of their work.

Basically, I realize why I am this way, now. I realize, without any confusion (okay, still a little), what I must do. My life's goal. I must reawaken human ingenuity. I must do the thing that no one wishes, so we can get back to what we do best: innovate, invent, discover, philosophize, ponder, wonder, and just plain be curious again.

I latched onto these people, the WTG community people, maybe I was hoping. Hoping that maybe they aren't as vain as they appear. Maybe, they ponder and wonder. Maybe they think, theorize and try to figure out. Maybe I'm just another blind fool. I could understand a small moment of "Ah, there's . Hmm, that's cool" But to lose your mind, to see, to hear, to..... it's pointless. What the fuck are they! They are no one! They won't change the world. They could die and the world would mourn, sure, but it would be none the different the next day! Why is so much focus on these people!

I realize I cannot wait for this tragedy to naturally occur. Action must be taken. Mankind must realize the potential that got us here, in the first place. This is, without a doubt, the saddest age of mankind.

Day One

So, it was the first official day of... this. The early part was shot for "particular" reasons. After that was resolved, the rest went well enough. Walked around a lot. I observed some pecular beheviour. People seem almost oblivious to anything outside of their little existence. Besides the occasional glance, everyone seemed to just go on. Before, I used to hear these stories about crimes being committed out in the open, in public, and no one doing anything. I never understood that. Now, I do.

The other thing was the fact that everyone was either rude and a prick/bitch, or the nicest people ever. Very few seemed to be in the middle.

My downtown frolic was nothing short of nothing. Although, I was openly accused of being a stalker perv. That was fun. I wanted, really badly, for an accident to occur or just something really bad to happen, to just see their reaction. I was disappointed.

Lastly on the agenda, a pub meetup with the "internets" people (Dani, Eva, Nas [roomie], Jenni Powell, Edgar Garcia, Nathan Tamayo, Sam Proof, Jamie [friend of Jenni and Edgar]). I couldn't have been more awkward or nervous, unless I were naked. It's hard to present a physical appearance to those who seem to have a general idea of your character. Fine.... who knew me. It's hard to maintain the composure I was supposed to have. Instead, I turned into that fidgety guy with the bomb, on the plane. Not the mention the music, i.e. LOUDEST FUCKING NOISE I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE, meant I could be tucked away without being involved in the conversation. I don't do groups. I do individuals (okay, that sounded way worse than I was intending), pairs, one-on-ones. We, then, moved to a less noisy, albeit still goddamn loud, bar, Marble Room, 'twas a good place, I suppose.

My detachment wasn't caused by my apathy for the group. Contrarily, those were good people, and I was glad to be there. It was being in a group, in general. So, there everyone was going on, laughing it up (especially Tamayo.... maybe he was really smashed?), I didn't understand it. I tried, but it's like trying major league baseball, based on your prior experience being Little League. Though, I warned them, beforehand. NOT the chatty type. At least not in groups.

Only day one.... who knows what tomorrow will bring....

My Super Special Awesome Excursion

So, here comes that time where a huge event is coming up. And everyone who is going is blogging and talking about their experiences. Their "physical" experiences. I should, too. Talk about how my flight goes, first arriving in my hotel, sights and sounds in the city, hitting the latest tourist---- fuck it.

I can't do it. I can't talk about events as just they are, as presented with facts. As with a title as "Just Think", I will present them with thoughts. If there are no thoughts, I'm not talking about it. Could I pull off what everyone else is doing? No. Simply put, no.

This is my pre-uhh, blog, I guess.

Nerve-wracking, we will see if I become violent or not.

Love Is.....

Stupid. Completely and utterly. It has no point. It's a simple need, simple desire to give us the impression that procreation means something. I know I've heard the same crap over and over "It's not supposed to be logical. It is supposed to illogical and unreasonable". Yeah, that's your best argument against this?

It seems that people are just trying to justify it, someway. They know it's bullshit. It's just some imaginative story that you can wing around, thinking someone actually cares. Don't get me wrong, some people delude themselves into that kind of thinking. Then, they WAKE UP! But they fail again, when "the one" comes around. It's like some sick cycle.

Now the next argument "You don't know because you've never been in love". Oh, like some anonymous chick is just going to make me change ALL my ways. Unlikely. And yeah, suppose I've never been "in love". What does that even entail? I've had infatuations, until I realize how stupid either the infatuation is, or how much the person is. Either way, I realize the idiocy of it all.

Love is defined as "an intense emotional attachment". What you perceive as a strong attachment is nothing more than a played out infatuation, which inevitably ends in disaster for all parties involved. And when people spout off about "true love", makes me want to vomit. The idea of love and "true love" is good and everything, but, just like religion, IT'S JUST NOT FUCKING TRUE!

People who search for love, they aren't searching for a person, they are searching for the idea. Now, here's the part where the typical person would call me gay or some shit like that. That, of course, is just wrong and ignorant, and downright retarded.

There are girls that I like. Plenty of them. But I wouldn't pursue a romantic or sexual relationship with any of them. Because that just muddies the water. Puts undo pressure on the relationship. That brings up another thing I am repulsed by. It seems to me that most boy/girl relationships (that aren't family, obviously), they have to go the whole "love" route. Why? Why is that even an entertained notion? Why can't there just be friends?

I hate the whole idea, and I probably always will.

How To Avoid Chatting With An Overtly Chatty Motherfu%$# (Without Being Rude)

So, we have all been there. Somewhere we had to be for a few hours, we all have been around that one person (or in my case, damn near everyone in the place) that just will never shut up. Every little thought that passes through their empty head, they vocalize it to the nearest ear. Personally, I have no qualms about telling this person to shut the hell up. But others do. And they don't always want to be rude about it. So this is my guide to get these people from talking your head off (of course, these won't always work, they are just generalizations. Interpret what you will):

#1: Avoid eye contact, at all costs.
For some reason, these people see eye contact as a way of showing interest. Kind of like with a dog. Don't look them in the eye. Even a passing glance. This is pretty much around the board for most of these people.

#2: Do NOT participate in the conversation, at all.
When they are going on about whatever, the one thing you don't do is acknowledge their presence. You can nod, look bored, but do not utter a single word. It helps if, in a serious work/school situation, to get a work conversation started with someone else. About important matters. This, sometimes, has a way of getting the chatties to stop, because of the work getting in the way of their nothing speech.

#3: Look busy or involved in something else
Once they get started, it's hard to get them to stop, short of using my preferred method. So, once involved, look around at what needs to be done. Surely, if you are in a situation you must be in, there must be some busy work. Get into that. No matter what it is, pretend to concentrate really hard. If all else fails, try to exit the area, most likely one where the chatty can't leave.


#4 (optional): Say some screwed up stuff
In between times of non-stop chittering, walk over to them, of your own volition and say some really out-there stuff. Personally, I like talking about gore, violence, absurd notions of taking down world governments, or if you really want to be hardcore, just discuss straight out murder (it helps to use facial expressions to drive in your "point"). Now, because these people are just mouths with arms and legs, they won't think or even want to talk about this kind of stuff. So, they will not approach you again.

Using these tips, you may just avoid unwanted conversation with those who truly have nothing to say. If all else fails, just talk about that one time you put grape jelly in your------ (inside joke, hehe).

Just Another Body

I am like you. I am just a person. Just one of the billions. Nothing completely distinguishable from the rest of the herd. I am just a faceless, nameless living body that you know. Or think you know, anyway. You see only what I let you to see. Manipulating thoughts, feelings, and facts, like everyone else. But really insignificant when it comes to you. Significant to me, and only me.

Have no expectations of me. Don't assume you'll know how I'll act. Don't assume you think what's going on, in my head. Don't judge until you've gathered enough information. And if it doesn't work out, fine, so be it. There are billions of others to choose from. A wide variety of personalities. A plethora of different personas and perspectives.

I am just a reflection of how you see yourself. I am just a mirror to all that you are. When you read these words, you will interpret them differently than everyone else. What they mean TO YOU.

Because when you get done to it, you mean nothing to me....... and I mean nothing to you.

The Human Zoo Part Two: Shorty Shorts on 12 Year Old Girls, 20 Year Olds With A 2 Year Old Kid, More Fat People on Motorized Scooters

I, once again, made a trek to your local, family-friendly Wal-Mart. I revile in disgust, as usual.

As I was walking around, I noticed a very odd thing. On these young girls, their outfits are getting more and more..... non-existent. Almost to the point of sympathizing with the pedophiles. And the parents say NOTHING. Dammit, parents, you can't leave teenagers up to make their own decisions!

Another thing I noticed is all these kids! I mean, one out of every three people was lugging some useless little nothing around. Usually more than one. At one point, I seen a young adult woman around a bunch of kids. One would naturally assume that she was the older sister. Until the oldest looked up at her and said "Hey, Mom....". Shocking. Why do they need to reproduce so much? To what end? To what point?

Another point of contention: fat people. First it was the scooters. Now, it's a legal handicap. That's right, my Non-American friends, it is now considered legal to get a handicap permit FOR BEING FUCKING FAT! WTF, America! Fat people should be dragged off and shot. They serve no purpose. Maybe a great mind. We can let those survive.

Another thing I noticed: how the typical male group isn't there. Obviously guys aren't much into shopping. You'll mostly find this pitiful group at most worksites, whilst you won't find the typical female group there. Only in the malls... spending whose money? Hmmm, something to think about.

One more thing to say: single moms. In particular, the group I mentioned earlier. Most were just by themselves. This infuriated me. Why don't people learn. Have kids with the person you LOVE. Not some jackass who's "hawt".

Finally, my racist thought for the day. Why do I get so offended at a black guy with a white girl?
I'm find with a white dude and a black chick. But I think I discovered the race hierarchy, here.
White girl - black guy. Black girl - Latin guy. Latin chicka - Asian guy. And finally, Asian schoolgirl - creepy White guy.

More to come. I know. Edge of your seat.

The Benefits of Dying

There has been something bugging me, for a long time now. So we all know pricks, assholes, bad people etc. Why is it, when they die, all of a sudden they "lived a good life"? Like dying makes you a nicer person. People come out for your funeral, people who you have not been the best with, all for the sake of "letting bygones be bygones". Screw that! Someone I hate dies, I relish it. I don't say "Well, he's dead now, so I forgive him for everything". Is hating someone who's dead that taboo? I mean, honestly.

Although it wasn't really hatred, MJ made me think to write this. Everyone is "mourning the Pop King". Yeah, whatever. A few years ago, everyone thought he was a pedophile. Badgered, justifiable, for his unusual behavior. So why does, when he die, he transcends and becomes the goddamn media event of the digital age?

Remember people for what they did, not when they die.

Boredimanium

The human mind, regardless of race, gender, level of intelligence, needs entertainment, in whatever form each individual derives it from. Anything that stimulates our minds, and causes pleasure, no matter how little or how much. Which has led me to conclude why most relationships will fail. Romantic relationships, long-term friendly relationships, every relationship but, maybe, business relationships.

Now the reason is, because too much complacency bores the mind. As comedian Chris Rock once said "The only exciting relationships are BAD relationships". Not to mention humans primal urge to "spread the genetic seed". But that just pertains to romantic ones, obviously.

In just friendly relationships, I think that once you see someone as well below what you may thought of them, or lacking a certain "something". Whatever it is, it causes a wedge to develop. We've all felt it, at one time or another. Good friends, just drifting apart and no one knows why. Well, I know why. Boredom ensues. The relationship becomes stale. It happens to everyone. It can't be reversed, it can't be avoided, although in rare cases.

So, just what is the secret to a long and healthy relationship? I don't know yet. Maybe, I never will.

"L" As In Logical

Your world. It's flawed. In a huge way. Judgments and decisions are based on emotions and the "feeling". Do you not know history? Many people follow the same broken cycle, as if they've learned nothing from their previous experiences. What does it take for someone to learn, to break the cycle? Someone, apparently, who can see the experiences of all others. One who knows that everything is temporary and nothing is excluded. By that reasoning, one would conclude to just enjoy themselves, until the end of their time. I don't see that as the case.

Not many want to learn, nowadays. And those that do, are rudely (and sometimes, violently) interrupted by those who desire a more.... destructive sense of fun. I'm not only talking only about those in some kind of school. Its people who wake up one day, see that they are, in fact, 35 and need to act as such. It boils down to, once again, entertainment and our need for comfortability. I learn, everyday. I seek to be better than I was, the day before. By watching, listening, taking in, incorporating every little thing into my being. Why would you float through life, in such agony.... well, agony with no end or goal.

Work towards something. A little goal. Find the proper motivation. Don't be a "breathe on my own" vegetable. If that's your life and how you want to live it, you might as well die. Seems like an utterly pointless existence. And I'm not just talking about physical exploits. Sure, those are good, too. But work your mind. Ponder, contemplate, hell, go in deep pray. Just don't be blank. Exercising the mind is just as important as stressing the body.

Three's A Crowd........ Literally

This is just a short observation of human behavior. Now, I have concluded that, naturally, everyone is capable of a higher form of thinking. That said, this is what I noticed: the more other people are around, the lower intelligence of any particular person in the crowd will fall. I'm not sure why this happens.

Next time you go to a large social gathering with a bunch of friends, just notice this. Notice how stupid people become, when more congregate.

Parkour

Some of you may already know what Parkour is, but for those that don't, I'll explain. It shares the physical aspect with another discipline: free running. Although, they are vastly different.

Parkour is an acrobatic discipline that states that speed rules all. Parkour defines the best way to travel through your environment, as efficiently and as quickly as possible, be it to elude capture, to chase, or to save another. It's kinda like acrobatics, with a mission. By the way, Parkour is French and practioners are referred to as "traceurs". The thing I like about it, is that it pushes the human body to it's full potential. As just a species, we have no special traits. We have only three things working in our favor: Arms, thumbs, and the brain to engineer. Beyond that, we are just ducks, floating in the water. But Parkour unlocks a fourth: amazing agility.

It's something I've been thinking about. All my life, I've been about moving fast. If you see me on the street, I'll most likely be running, or walking fast (after a run). This just seems like the next evolution of it.

Some would think it's primarily a physical kind of logic. I mean, to do some of the things they do, it takes incredible strength, endurance, and stamina. But it's just as much a mental game, as a physical one. To accomplish the different manuevers and exercises, it takes the lack of fear and supreme confidence in one's own ability. Not to mention the reflexes it takes.

And for those of you who know of this and free running, I'll explain the difference.
Parkour is moving efficiently and fluidly. Get from Point A to Point B, as fast as humanly possible, with no obstacle to great to overcome.
Free running is more stylish. For fun. It involves tricks that would break a traceur's "flow" and thus not be efficient.

Quickly and efficiently. How I achieve everything.

Morality

Good and bad are concepts that have no value, besides what one person puts on them.
What I think is bad, you may not think is. What I think is good, you may disagree. Don't assume that everyone has the same values. In nature, there is nothing that is inherently good or bad. Nowhere in nature, in the natural order of things, will you find a completely destructive force, without a reason. Well, besides mankind, but I won't get into that, here.

Adolf Hitler thought he was right. That he was saving the world. We look back now and see what a buffoon he was. His ideas were radical. I mean, really radical. Of course you know that... I hope. But he had tons of followers. People who died for him. Goes to show you that values are not the same, person to person.

Personally, alot of things that people would label as "bad", I don't see as so horrible. I don't have to explain that here. Just read earlier posts.

Morality, some get it from religion, some from common decency and some get it from serial killers.

I Hate Hot Chicks

That's right, I said it.

Here's my problem with them: they have no personality. Regardless of what they are. Nice, bitchy, moody, angry, bitchy (did I repeat that?), they have no personality. Nothing going on, "up there". Now, this doesn't include ALL hot chicks. The exclusion are those who are modest. There are a few, out there. But, the exception is ugly chicks who think they are hot. I know you've seen this, more than a few times. The worst of the worst.

Not only do they lack what I would call, a soul, but also, just the instinctual urges that arise in every male they meet. It's one of our downfalls. The pretty breed, with their lack of intellect or interestingness. I'm not going to lie. I think about it, too. But, then I realize, I'm smarter than that. So, if you are a hot chick (or self-proclaimed), then I have a bias against you. I will automatically put you lower than, say, someone who is not immediately attractive.

Oh, and the accessories. But I won't go into that.

A Suicider's Reflection

Today, I killed myself.

I purchased a .32 revolver from a friend. He said he didn't even use it, anymore. I got it for a cheap $25. Then, I bought a full round of ammunition, in case I missed. 6 bullets. The next day, after work, I went to an undisclosed location. There is a vast country land near my residence. It would be easy to go out there and find an abandoned silo, or better yet, an abandoned barn. So, I left, at 5:23, to begin my departure.

I arrived at the barn, 73 miles from where I lived, at the sun's setting. An intense brightness was cast over the barn. Inside, there were spots to where it was so bright, you couldn't even look at them. Others, a dark bleakness, with a soft glow around the edges of the object making the shadow. I made my way up to the upper part of the barn, via a ladder. Then I sat perched, on the edge of the window, looking out at the sun. As it set, I loaded the weapon. For a moment, questioned my next action. And then..... the end.

As I lay back on the upper part of this abandoned barn, with a huge hole in my head, dead, I thought of all the things I would miss. All the things I would never again do. Such a plethora of experiences that I would never have.

Better yet, would anyone miss me? Sure, my co-workers, but just because they don't want to look like the shallow, cold empty pricks that they really are. They feign sadness, in the wake of this "tragedy". My family? I haven't openly gave a shit about them, in a very long time. Friends? Most were just common interested people, but I never really swayed their minds. I merely gave them another person that they can call "friend". Someone they can bug with their inane drivel, or can lose a few hours discussing previously mentioned common interest. But, nothing more than that. And besides, they would hear nothing of my plight. They have their own problems, I understand.

So that would conclude the list. How long would it take anyone to know I'm missing? What would they think? Maybe I ran away? Away from any windows, on a backdirt road, fifty miles from anywhere remotely significant, I would rot and decompose. Someone would find my car, find the owner and then, they would know. My funeral? Probably wouldn't be one. Cremate my remains, that what they would do.

As I lie, these thoughts faded to nothing. Because I am nothing. Not anymore.

Not anymore.

Gay Marriage

This is just what I think on it.

Recently, a Christian friend of mine asked me about this. Politely, he said that they should not be allowed. Under God's law, it's for a man and a woman. I really never thought about it, before this. I ask, why. Why does it matter? And how is corruptive of our current system? The marriage system now, has become a legal one, anyway. For taxes, property, even testimonies in legal cases fall into the hands of marriage. It has just become a unity of bank accounts, and identities. But, all that aside.

I don't see why it's wrong. Is their love any less real because of a slightly different circumstance? Based on a purely "it devalues the ceremony of marriage" bullshit, it's, well, bullshit. From drive-in weddings in Vegas, to "I Want To Marry A Rich Guy For Fame And Money", to 5 divorces in a lifetime. Is letting a few gay guys and some lesbians get married really going to completely breach our morality?

Bigots and assholes. Let them have their legal ceremony. Let them enjoy all the comforts of a legal, binding agreement. It's fucking discrimination, pure and simple. One of the oh so many reasons why this "Christian" nation epically fails.

If you are reading, please vote to allow them, in your state. Or you are just an insensitive, hetero supremacist bigot asshole (in my book).

-isms

In this world, plentiful of stupid, ignorant people to hate, there still exists intolerance, bigotry, and intense hatred of what people are. Not WHO they are but WHAT they are. Be it racism, sexism, homophobia (not an -ism, but equally retarded, in its own right), or ageism (I'm sure there is such a thing). Now, I don't like a lot of people. But it's their the content of their character, or lack thereof if you want to be funny, that pisses me off. Now, I haven't met a lot of black folks, but the few I have, have perpetuated the negative stereotypes. That reason alone, I could assume that the majority of black people are like that. But I don't. Color of your skin, who you love, whether or not you have a Y chromosome, is that really worth hating about?

Better yet, what does that prove? Is that really all they are? Is that what defines them, as a person? If you answered yes to the last two, take a good look at yourself. If you can't even do that, do us a favor and eat a bullet. It's not something someone picks out, at their birth. You can hate someone for being a Republican or Democrat, hate them for liking Ford or Chevy, hell, even whether they like butter on their bread, versus jam. But hating someone for something that just biological are, it's pathetic.

Coming from a hater, at least hate people for who they are, not for things out of their control.

Nationalities DO Matter

I am sick of people saying "Well, is just the same as , we are all humans". No, it's not the same. In different countries, there are different cultures that value different things. What could be wrong, and morally reprehensible in America, is completely different than, say, China, or Afghanistan. I say the typical American is stupid. You say "They are just the same as anywhere else". Completely false. Although, that is a poor example, because most people are stupid, let alone nationalities.

Point is, it's not a bold claim to generalize one country because of evidence, than another, simply because we are all "part of the human race".

All Are Created Equal but All Do Not Remain Equal

It would detest some of you to know that all people's lives are not equal. To say the life of a grocery store manager is equivalent to a leader of a whole nation, or even a governor of a state or city, is completely wrong. We all have to realize this. People's lives gain value, not from just being, but from influential actions.

Now, I don't pretend to think I'm better than most. I mean, to me, I am better than most. But, I have done nothing to back up my claim. I have not progressed our species enough to say "I'm better than the grocery store manager".

Which brings to my next point. Those that halt the progression of our society must be stopped. I would say religious zealots, but that's just the tip. To move forward in any meaningful way, it would take the masses to agree. Like, in America, the two-party system is so halting progression, a lot more than any religious ideology. The modern age has brought so many comforts, that people would like to just remain at this comfortable stage. We are moving forward, but too slowly because of these comforts. That's a reason I mentioned in an earlier post, why we need a catastrophe. To break up our comfortable lives and force us into action.

Ask yourself this: Do you value life or lives? It seems like a trick kind of question, but it's not. Example: say, in a bank, a hostage situation. You have 10 terrorists, who have stolen mass funds to wage their war against us. The police can give them what they got, the terrorists would leave peacefully. Or they could storm the place, with expected civilian casualties. What if giving the terrorists this money, could help them purchase mass destructive weapons, gases, poisons, or even a biological disease? What are a few complacent civilians' lives, by comparison? Or even a broader scale: A major city in which an oppressive, dangerous regime has used for their big operations. Bomb the city to the ground to save the world, at the cost of thousands of civilian lives? Even if it would save billions? Of course, there is always a chance that both, the regime and the bank terrorists are simply bluffing, but would you really take the chance?

Would you put the needs of individuals, over the needs of the whole race?

Perception: The Thin Line Between Reality and Fantasy

One thing that will always elude our understanding, is dreams. To dream. Even the word as a fantastical sounding to it. Now, as it stands today, it is the mind (in this post, by "mind", I mean the subconscious) trying to understand the thoughts, events, feelings, and emotions that have happened, throughout the day. And everyone likes to dream. To "experience" things that would, otherwise, cause you harm, if you ever did them in real life. Or a new angle on a memory. Or just the remembering of a memory, as it stood. So many different things can come from dreams. So many things can happen. Some of which bears thinking about, to understand exactly why such things happened, in that dream. Others, they are just mindless indulgence in things we can't have (violence, sex, or anything that isn't that, but equally..... disturbing).

Now of course, on the flip side, we have nightmares. My understanding is that, it is the conscience is punishing you for what you have done. Every time I hear the phrase "This is so I can sleep at night" (or some variations of that), I think. The mind is so great, it can literally cause you to not rest, just because of some ill deed you have done. Isn't that extraordinary?!

I had this ongoing nightmare, for months. I can remember it, even after all these years, so vividly. For months, almost every night, I dreamt that I was standing in front of a white house. It had a beautiful garden across the whole front of it. A bricked walkway from the door, to the sidewalk. It was at the end of a street, with another street running across the front of it. Beautiful neighbourhood.

As I stood directly in front of the door, looking upon the neighbourhood, a huge semi-truck was roaring towards me. Frozen in fear, I could do nothing but look on. At the second it got to me, I ducked, dodging under its huge lift.
Then, I wake up, quaking at the events.
It only stopped, when I finally stood my ground. Hit by the truck. Woken up again, except I woken up from that dream, for the last time. To this day, I still don't know what evoked it.

Dreams can open our minds to such things that we can't see in the real world. Allow us to get out our dark thoughts, without reprecussions.

Yet we still have no grasp on what propels them, or makes them be.

The Human Zoo

Recently, I was in a Wal-Mart (for those of you who don't know, it's a corporate supermarket, to the max). Now, I hate being around more then five people at a time. So, you can imagine my displeasure at being around near 500 (estimate, could be wrong), at the same place. Normally, I would be an "in and out" kind of thing. I always seen going there as a bad thing to revile at. But, this time, I saw but an opportunity.

I was with a group. They wanted to go, I needed a ride, certain concessions had to be made.
Anyway, I just wandered for a few hours. Not even gazing at the products. I was watching the people. Here, you could see the great American capitalist system at work. Bumbling fools, going from one aisle to another, in search of the next vanity item. People who go shopping without even the slightest idea as to what they are going to buy. It's funny this great race, we rose from the shackles of primitivity, to... this.

As I wandered, I tried to imagine the mindsets of these people, now and afterwords. But, I couldn't. And as I watched, I couldn't help but to notice:

These types of markets, they are nothing more than, what I call "human zoos". A place where you can see people in their natural habitat, many and varied different individuals. Where you don't get scorned for watching. Completely oblivious to the world around them. I imagined that I could shoot some in the one of the corners, move on to the next, and they would be none the wiser. I know, they would be surprised at such a happening. But, still, if you have the "itch", this would be the best place to get scratch that itch.

With their carts. The fat ones on motorized scooters, the built-in cart packed with more food items. All the vanity items.

Brings me to my next point: what the human race needs, is another epidemic. Or some kind of alien invasion (which is doubtful, so epidemic it is). A virus created by an experimental testing facility. Say, fatal symptoms don't appear until a week later. What if, in a week, one person contracted thousands. And those thousands, contracted millions. What if a quarter of a billion people, died in the same week, of the same thing? Panic would ensue. Such unimportant strife and boring actions would turn to trepidation.

We need another one of those. To remind us of what is really important, in this existence.

Too Much Insight

Okay, this might be a bit personal, but if you can read this, then I guess I gave you permission.

People always talk about moods. Good moods, bad moods, silly moods, funny moods. It's just mood, mood, mood. And if it "ain't" happy or funny, it's generally seen as a bad mood. I can see why. But, to say that all is bad, that's broad and too vague. Example time! Say, when I'm in a good mood, I tend to act... differently, obviously. Although I am unaware of my obvious change in behaviour, later I usually become repulsed by my words and actions, under such a state. Okay, that was vague. I'll try again: In school, I always strived to be in what others would call a "bad mood", which really didn't mean I felt bad, it's just in a giddy, happy mood nothing can get done. Simple psychological science. While others would see "What's his problem?", I merely thought of nothing but the work. Sure, I had to force it, sometimes. For the necessity.

That's my main problem with "happy" people. They are so irrational, caught in the single thought of having fun.

In conclusion, to be in a good mood, those moments should be few and far between.

Last Resort

Now, I'm going say some good things about the human race (for a change). There is this inherent resilience. From looking at a particular problem, with a solution which is either not hard to figure out, easy, or, especially, a long way away, people tend to ignore it, move on as if their "intelligence" is insulted by pursuing the immediate action, or the simplest one. I can't be say this without admitting falling prey to this logic, many times before. But, when backed into a corner, when shown that there is only one absolute recourse, humans rise to the challenge. Hell, I've done some things I didn't quite think I was capable of, under the guise that there is only one solution and there was no way around it. Just very recently, I have had to change. To "accommodate" as it were. Become the opposite of what I thought I was. And you know what? Didn't seem so bad. Actually, I quite enjoyed (and still am enjoying) the experience of it all.

In fact, that's how I like it. The mental block that exists (and I am, assuredly, not the only one with this problem), it fades when backed into a corner, when faced with a last resort. It forces you to throw away the nonsense that existed in your mind before. It forces to show some gall, do the impossible (although which is usually the most probable, you just don't know it at the time). But, given a choice, it offers less of a.... visceral response. Delayed, thoughtful, which I have come to find, is actually very bad, sometimes. Such delays can cause the problem to grow to absurd proportions, so the new problem is bigger than the original.

In conclusion, I would prefer when there is only one action. Especially if that actions is the I desire. Erase the doubt, and move forward.

Or else, stay still, and hope you don't get hit.

Cosmic Logic

Fate. Pre-determined path. Never-ending cycle. Is there really a choice? "Everything happens for a reason" why must humans always try to answer everything? As intelligent beings, we should move past this foolish notion. Funny how they say things like that, then insist we should leave everything else alone. As if some benevolent will judge us, and accordingly, dole out either reward or punishment. I think these people must be purged. Or enlightened. But these people can't be enlightened. Stuck in their primitive beliefs, as if it means something. Or maybe it's so they don't have to take responsibility for their own actions.. In any case, it's a rot. WE choose our own path. WE have advanced our society, in spite of these knuckle-draggers who would wait out the "Rapture" and deny progression, because "God says so". Or maybe religion is just an excuse to do whatever they please, in the name of some benelovent (or malovent, but those don't exist anymore.... or at least I don't think so) deity.

I know it's a bit depressing to look at the grand scale and realize that the hourglass is draining. But if you can accept that and move past it, our society would advance so much, if nothing else then to find immortality. It is our duty, as the logical and above average intelligence THINKING people, to lead (or manipulate, whatever works) them into an ascended stage of their own being. More than entertainment. More than carnal desires. More than "I just want to shoot something today". More than "Dude, let's get hammered". More than gold. More than credit. More than anything they will be, by themselves. Let's just hope that someday will get leaders who realize this. Who move past simple material greed. To achieve.

'Course it's just something you have to be born into.

Massively Multiplayer Blah Blahs

I have a bone to pick with MMO players. Let's just, first, put this notion that if you happen to loathe MMOs, it does not make you anti-social. I'm not I'm not, just saying that doesn't automatically qualify me as one, just for hating that particular genre of gaming entertainment. Let's take a look at a few good qualities, and plenty of bad, about MMOs.

First, most are a game where you can find plenty of people to play with and befriend. I mean, I know the huge popularity and closeness that people in guilds have.

Second, those games are never short. Lots of time and toil for a rewarding experience.

Third---- I got nothing
Now for the bad:

The biggest flaw, obviously, has to be the people. You get those quests that required upwards of ten players, and you are bound to get some stupid, or stubborn people. That fact alone turns me away. But, there is more.

The constant grind. I like games that simulate at least a tiny bit of reality. Pointing and clicking.. just feels so impersonal. The toil, hell, it got to me in the first few days of playing the trial of the most popular one, World of Warcraft. Don't get me wrong. I am not a huge fan of FPSs. I like a few, but I like the ones with strategy, i.e. Rainbow Six series. And I like RPGs. Of course, I like Action RPG, i.e. Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Mass Effect.

I like to have FUN with my games. Geez, the way I hear some people talk, MMOs is like a second job to them. Like its habit, or something. I like to sit back, and play my games with a slowed pace, not a frantic hurry. My day is frantic enough, I do not require it in my entertainment as well.
And don't even get me started on immersion.

So, I am not some sort of antisocial troll if I don't like MMOs. It just means I prefer relaxation and fun, not another job after I leave my primary one. Now if you are getting paid for it, then that's a different story.

Generation "Me"

Today, I had a thought. As I was working around 3:00 p.m., all the teenagers that got off of school started their shift. I realized some sad truths about today's kids.

Generation "I'm special. I don't have to do anything, but I'm still important". This kind of stupid logic is what is being taught to today's kids. No longer is it "You are nothing until you've worked hard. Labored for your achievements" as it should be. There is no humility. I think it can be undone by something as simple as beating the f**k out of your kid, when he steps out of line. This new generation, composed of what I think is people from the ages 7-25, isn't being taught that. They being beat to the inch of their life, when they f**kup, really bad. When I was a kid, when I messed up, I was beaten. Rightfully so. Not bloody and broken, just bruised and demoralize. As it should be. I learned not to be an idiot, that consequences that are as menial as "I'll whoop your ass, if you do that again" mean something. And I turned out, all right.... for the most part. But, that's another story for another post.

Since we are on the subject of these moronic ass kids, I noticed something else. At my place of employment, there is a girl (16 years) who is pregnant, another (16 or 17) who is engaged. These kids are trying to do adult things, and they aren't even growing up. What are you going to accomplish, having a baby that young? Or getting married (which won't last, I bet my life on it)? In 20 years, if the world hasn't collapsed by then, our society will fall apart. A quote from one of my older co-workers "What the hell? Kids are getting dumber, every day".

Friends

The word is thrown around a lot. Friends. I think, along with many other words, it has lost its meaning. I blame the "politeness" and other such B.S. things that people say and do, to make others feel comfortable. I'm not saying be mean, and rancorous all the time. I am just suggesting that weaker minded individuals take that as a sign of caring. Some sort of care.

Personally, I take great pride in words, and their meanings. Therefore, the friend count is rather minuscule. Of my own volition, of course. I use the term "acquaintance", like people use the word "friend". I think its a better word for such people. Friends are meant to know one another. But, truly, you can't really know someone. I mean, take something as simple as marriage. 10 years. You would figure after 10 years of marriage, that whether or not two people could get along, it should be easy to see. But, no. 10 years, and now they don't like each other. What really happens to cause this? Its different in any case.

But, I digress. And for those who exclaim that they have lots of friends (and you know who you are), I don't like you. Even if you are using the word to its fullest extent, it brings up another problem. To surround yourself with people. Its repulsive. I'm no expert, in that area, but I have my reasons.

Disclaimer

Most people use blogs as a way of putting themselves out there, getting noticed, etc. I don't care about all that. Hell, I don't even know why anyone would want to read the crap I'll put in this. I mean, to you, it will be boring, irrelevant. Then, I'm sure you are asking "Then, why blog at all?" And I answer. Its not for you. Its for me. Just of way of cataloging different things I think. In an appropriate forum. Its not going to a wrap-up of my week, and I won't be posting pictures of the awesome parties I go to, on the weekends (for the future, I don't actually go to parties).

So, this is your warning. Your boring warning. If you have an extra 20 minutes to kill, go ahead and read on. But, if you do have that much time on your hands, it could be used more productively, than reading this. Unless maybe, you are a psychologist. Then, you may find interest in my words.