Distractions

"Life is pain" is not only an emo cliche, it actually makes sense. Much of our lives consist of taking some sort of risk with as close as a gain equivalent to the risk. Like going to work or school. I'm positive that the majority of people would want to skip those parts and just reap the benefits, but obviously this is impossible, or more often times, the closest thing to that is illegal. So we bear these responsibilities for the gains we get - work = money and school = opportunities for work. Also, let me state  I'm not in this camp of my profession defining me. Maybe if I had more opportunities, I would be much prouder of a profession to ascribe that label to me, but as it stands, I do not.

We do what we have to to live. Most people who have blue collar or jobs that are menial or not specialized don't often enjoy their work. So to ease their stressful mind off of not living the life they want, they must have distractions. Things that generally make them forget or that override that foreboding feeling. I found now, even as I am temporarily living the life where I choose my activities, day to day (not on any government welfare program, just chose not to partake in our "great" capitalist system and instead, saved my money for this time) and although I still am conscious of the responsibilities coming soon, it's generally off my mind as it is far off, yet I find myself still getting distressed at things, little things. Things I can't necessarily explain, but they had a bad mood, just a dreadful feeling. As long as I continue to remember that I have this awful emotion, not remembering the particular thing that invoked it, just the feeling, it will perpetuate. Distractions do help.

If you are brought down, find a way to temporarily bring you out of the routine in which caused the bad mood. Distract.

Purgatory

Ever since I became self aware at 16, I've always this vision of how the afterlife would truly be if it were possible. And no, I call on no divine being to dream it up for us, nor is this even spiritual or religious (or emotional). The one thing that has been a problem with me for a long time is that my conscious and my subconscious - "conscience" if you will - are constantly at war. See, I do have a morality that was taught to me and that I learned, that through cooperation, we achieve 'x' times more progression than alone (x = how many people are involved). But I also know that I cannot live for the group, that I have to do things in my best interest, and my best interests, especially in the long term, are not that of the group's best interest. So that causes a short of riff between the waking me you see everyday and the other side that surfaces when my conscious mind is too busy or is "out". Anyway, on the afterlife.

I think that the thing that would cause this afterlife is nothing more than our own minds and imaginations. Using the first law of thermodynamics (matter and energy cannot be created or destroyed), I am inferring that consciousness cannot be destroyed, but changes into something else. To deal with this new change (and subsequent lack of a physical presence), it goes back to its life on Earth.
Basically, I think that, if you led a good and virtuous life, you will imagine up a paradise where all your friends and family live or what have you. Your mind will be "pure", as dictated by itself, and therefore you will want to reward yourself, as a result. Conversely, if you had a lot of regret and guilt over the things you did, you may enter a sort of nightmare world, filled with things to punish yourself with. Either way, you get the consequence you feel you deserved. I think I came to this conclusion after hearing "At least I can sleep at night" too many times. Could you ever do so much wrong as you deprive yourself of sleep or food, in some cases? Not consciously, but subconsciously, your body taking cues from your "conscience". I think it's a fair question and whether or not this is a possibility for the afterlife, I don't know.

I'm sure I'm not the first person to think this up and maybe somewhere, there is an actual name for this idea, maybe it's in a book or something. But think about it.

The Me, I, and You

What makes you you? What characteristics are distinct to your personality? I've never gotten this sort of sense of self-definition, moral or values, etc. That's not like selfishness or looking out for one's own best interest, I get that very easily. Like Christians for instance, their values and ideals tend not to change for long periods of time, their very views and opinions don't seem to change. Maybe it's a personality thing, the type that draws them to this logic. My main point about this is, there is no you.  You are a product of genetics, your environment, your parental guidance and ultimately, just a victim of events of consequence and chance. It's hard to reconcile this with your ego, say there is no you, only a canvas that, because of the colors aligned in a certain way, makes that distinct picture (artist analogy, but frankly if you didn't get that, you probably won't understand any of this post, so why am I bothering to write this?).

It's like logic that says Christians are only Christians because they were brought up in a culture in which the spooky religious, spiritual, communal tradition is that of Christianity... predominantly. If they lived in a predominantly Muslim culture, or Buddhist culture, or Hindi culture, and so on.

What forms consciousness? This questions ultimately are only good for "food for thought" as they say, as either way they go, it has no impact on any lives. So if we're just blank cattle, so what? And if we truly are individuals within our communities.... so what? I've often pondered the question that if you could take the same exact same set of genes and "raise" them in every culture, to see what the results would be. Would there be characteristics that are unique enough to be called distinct across all incarnations of these genes, or would they all be different? There is absolutely no way to do this experiment, as raising a child is not just a culture, it's also the parents, people, economic situation, etc. It's fun to think about. Think of the core of you. What experience, if any, made you who you are? I come from a very unique situation... my memory, conscious memory anyway (just when I don't focus on remembering), is absolutely atrocious, so I tend to forget my positions on certain issues, maybe that makes me more susceptible to other viewpoints because I'm essentially a fairly blank state to begin with. But for "normal" people with normal functioning memories, why do you people stay the same for so long? I change every 6 months or so, on at least 30-40% of whatever I'm thinking, priorities, what's important, etc. I couldn't imagine holding the same views on something before and after hearing a lot of evidence on it. We don't learn everything at once, we take lots of information from different sources, just boggles me that anyone who keeps up with the times would remain stagnant in views and opinions.

Anyway, the events around us make us different and unique, we have no intrinsic uniqueness... unless you believe in an intelligent creator.

My Problem With The Judeo-Christian God

This is just a personal piece, filled with why I don't like the aforementioned deity.


To start off with, if he exists, he has rigged the system against people like me. He is omnipotent, sees all, past, present, and future. He already knows what decisions I'll make, what I'll believe and what it will take to make me believe. He created me, knowing full well that I would never accept him as reality because of his perchant for skewing his own believability by having so much evidence stacked against him and yet, not even close enough for him. He knows that I won't believe without enough evidence and has set me up to fail, no matter what! That's the move of a sadistic, cruel asshole. He, instead, rewards blind obedience and faith based on feelings, emotions, and selfish desires. If you believe that you are going to heaven to spend eternity in paradise, that is selfish. That means you will forgo doing the necessary things to ensure that everyone else will have stable real lives. Think of the benefits of abortion, condoms, and other forms of birth control, fuck, population control. That alone makes you selfish. And if you are for those positions, by God's standards, you're going to Hell. Great choice for a benevolent God, eh?

Next point is Hell. You steal a candy bar, you pay a small fine for your transgression. You rob a store at gunpoint, you take a much harsher punishment as the punishment fit the crime, by human standards. Could you possibly see a finite crime used to judge us for eternity, in punishment? Much less, simply "thinking" bad thoughts? What kind of God, LOVING at that, would set up such a system where you would have eternal torment, based on a finite crime? Hell, even the Greeks didn't have a system that fucked up. Then of course, this goes back to my previous point of God setting up people like me to fail and spending an eternity in hell.

Last point, I think it's kind of silly of us every knowing just what God wants or what he could possibly be like. Don't you find it a little convenient that we happen to know JUST what is bad and what is not, in his eyes? It goes back to an original post of mine (The Human Perception), that you cannot attribute human qualities to God and still call him mysterious. I think the deist position is more likely, if anything. Sure, there *might* be a divine being, but as limited humans, mere playthings, could be we ever hope to understand? I doubt it. We just have to leave it up to chance, because with all the choices of different religions, it's just a choice, usually based on your regional preference among your indigenous tribe.

Final thoughts: if God did exist, he has long abandoned us. While, in the golden years of the Old Testament, he was talking to everyone "Hey, Samuel.... what's up? I'm kinda bored now", now he has erased all pure evidence to his very existence, signaling to me, he either doesn't want to be found or he isn't quite the god we all know him as.

Essential Experiences

I sometimes feel like missing out on those experiences was a bad thing, almost a potentially life-threatening thing. No matter how they turn out, everyone who goes through the rounds seems at least well adjusted and adaptive. My future is bleak because I avoided everything, saw fit to exclude all of it from my life because of unnecessaries, fear, or just plain laziness. But the one thing that fills me is the fact that I won't be like them

I don't look for the normal life. I don't want it. Every human experiences the same thing, go through the same rounds, to the point of utter repetition. And for what? "I did it too". Is that all you have? I just don't see it. I want a different set of circumstances and experiences. And maybe living my life in negatives rather than positives is none so great, either. I don't know what I want, but I know what I DON'T want. Strange how things turn out... I just want to be different. I want to tell my story at 60 to some youngster and change his life. I want to live and be all the things that normal people cannot, because of responsibilities, obligations, family, romance, friendships and just things in general people want to do (like owning property). I don't want to fucking relate to any of you. All of you are boring. Your lives drift on and you could be replaced in a micro second. I yearn to be different, if nothing else then to discover what it's like to live out of favor. I can learn all I want about living in favor by listening to all of you.

Obsession In Hate

Throughout my life, I've had a few obsessions. Mostly vices, just for fun, but an academic one (that came too late, I might add), but always positive, something I enjoy. Although I'm an extremely negative person (I'm working on turning that around), I never was obsessed with anything in it, just having those negative feelings. But then I realized, I do have an obsession. An obsession with hate. Something grueling and fearsome, that I don't enjoy, that always brings me down. Weird thing about obsessions, they also come with denial. Nobody wants to admit they're obsessed because, most of the time, it's embarrassing and not something good.

I allowed my obsession to cloud my judgment and I made rash decisions, luckily none that negatively affected me. Heh, not like the one before. So I'm getting off of this obsession relatively easily. "Moving on" always struck me as something that normal, bland, lifeless drones do. If something truly matters to me, there isn't just "moving on", especially if it's still within reach. And I feel this obsession is still within reach. But I'm done reaching. Not because it tires me. But because I realized that holding onto these negative feelings, obsessing about them, is pointless. So this chapter that was started in March, ends now. I thought it would have a bad ending. But looking around at what I have, especially those things that I have obtained in spite of, I would say it's a happy ending. It's the sad beginning that ruins it all.

I think I'm done being depressed. Everything I lost, I have again, but ten times better. I could write for hours on the mental impact and the intricate circumstances surrounding it all, but I'm done obsessing with it. It'll be just another bad memory, something I can call on if the situation ever rose again.
For once, I actually feel good about writing this. The person we used to be..... how much we despise them now.

The Many Facets

Just a short write. I noticed that it's high unlikely that you'll ever meet anyone exactly like you. I found out quite recently, that if you think someone is, there's usually some way they drastically aren't. I've talked to 4 or 5 different people and I could tell you that we are all similar. How is this? The many different faces you have. You can't be one thing, all the time. Some will share your outlook on life, however bleak. Some will share a difficult situation similar to yours that they handled in exactly the same way. Some will share your phobias and the way you view others. Some will share your lifestyle choice, and the way you live.

So many different things about you, it's hard not to relate to someone.

Anticipation

I feel the most... alive or maybe not bored, when there's something to happen in the works. Say there is nothing. Wouldn't it be depressing if everyday was the same as another? That's why I was depressed before, because it was true. I was taken out of my exciting reality and thrown into a world where only my actions directly affected a different path, which then is ever so slight. But when there is something to anticipate, and I would dare say hope for, it makes it all exciting again. This is why I like being close to someone. You can learn and if you are really close enough to hear intimate detail, you could almost experience yourself. It gave a bit chance and the best part is it usually doesn't directly affect you. You can get most of the reward and minimal punishment.

Maybe I'm just weird like that. I know a lot of people, and I used to think this as well, want utter control. For everything to happen according to plan.That leaves imagination out of it, the fun of risk and chance. I sometimes want things to change and happen differently. It makes it all exciting again.

Cold, Cold, So Very Cold

I've always agreed with cold weather, especially in my youth. The main reason is not even a physical one. The feeling I get out there, the cold wind upon my cheek, the biting chill at my fingertips, it all.... made me feel alive. It filled me with such life, such activity, such a contentment that is unusually strange. Another is that most people are indoors and animals look for shelter. Insects are all gone. It's just a stillness, no living creatures around. All hiding, all tucked away, all away from me. I truly feel like the street is mine, I, for the only time outside of my "cavern", feel alone in the streets. Not being observed, not being sensed, completely alone.

My favorite time of the year again. I will miss these times. (Also, fuck Christmas)

The Experiment Officially Ends

So, I have halted this experiment many times, but now I am officially calling it off. It began almost a year ago (even though it's initial conception was near the end of December, the ball in motion started in the middle of November). I learned a lot, both of human nature and of myself, but ultimately ended up in the same place I was when I started.

The hypothesis was that I can not function, socially, around anyone. That I am such a solitary being to the point of exclusion. Now, there were a lot of different assumptions I have. I was glad enough that I could conduct this experiment in the same grounds it was conceived in. Very convenient. I thought maybe the closest group to my own interests would be enough to prove that I can indeed form connections that were equal and not at the expense of either party, as is all other relations I have ever had. But turns out my hypothesis was correct. I am just too different. Those within the study group, though fascinating, turned out to be simple minds just with a more complex way of perceiving and thinking, while bringing nothing more useful to the table. In essence, I learned that the majority of folks are quite the same. Sure, there are different personality traits among them, but overall they lack a certain "thing" required for me to view them equally and without bias.

Throughout this experiment, I suffered some changes. Firstly, somehow I forgot to listen. That's an odd thing to forget, but I became less perceptive of my surroundings, offline and on. But I gained a certain amount of confidence in my abilities I didn't have before. Seems an even balance. Although this experiment was taxing physically, mentally, financially, but above all of those, it was the most emotional taxing of any of my others. Basically because it created them in me. Well, anything but angry and rage, anyway. I can't say it was an entirely scientific experiment because I had push in which outcome I would have, thus contaminating the results.

Of course, for any experiment to be valid, it must be tested multiple times under the same condition. I have no such time so the information I take from this will suffice. There is such a curious thing in simple humans. They tend to band together, in some sort of camaraderie despite differences. I understand if there is a need to "fight" a common enemy, which for them would be boredom I guess. What I found to be disturbing was their lack of passion. They seemed content, but I sensed an inner hollowness in most of them. Something bad in their past that left them morbidly bitter to push them into the position they are in, as part of the community. I don't condemn them for it, but the fact that that hasn't done much for their state of mind is much worse. People both in the experiment and those I see around, they lack such a passion and hell, compassionate caring. Ironic coming from me, but I think I care more about the "real" things than they do. Always taken for granted, probably because it's just as I say, no one is special. I die, you move on. Few cases defy this convention.

A very curious thing happened during this experiment (I would say because of). I wouldn't say another experiment, that's a bit too harsh, but kind of a trial. Something a bit more extreme than the original experiment. Something I wished the outcome differently than my original hypothesis. Although, once again must be proven multiple times before fact and once more I have taken it as fact, it fell to it's bloody end. What I learned from that is that anyone willing wouldn't be up to par, but anyone up to par wouldn't be willing.

So that experiment ends with much learned and gained. The next one, I don't know about. I must analyze this further before continuing.

I'm Interesting

I don't think one person on the world thinks of themselves that they aren't the most interesting person they've ever known. I certainly think I have a lot of interesting to rant on (part of my responsibility in this little experiment called public knowledge of certain "personal" topics). But I can only compare myself to the beings of my environment, which is like acknowledging what's more dangerous, a Bengal tiger or a tabby cat. People who spout ignorant statements, passing off offhand opinions as if fact. If I lived in a bigger city, I may be more humble. But as it stands, I easily stand above these primitives I live around.

Now before when I thought I wasn't interesting (aka before the internet), I listened to people. They didn't have anything to really say, but I savor knowledge. Now that I have access to more information (and the fact that people outside aren't really as different as I thought), I have kinda elevated myself to a higher plateau, if you will, than I deserve. I don't know how to listen now. I have come from being a bystander, watching, to a participant, expressing and fighting for my beliefs.

It's funny when you change, because it's usually so subtle to you that you don't notice. It's what I've always said "I don't want to be the same person in a year" and indeed I have kept my word, incorporating new information to add to the ever expanding matrix, attributing to how I perceive everything. It's a good thing, I know. If I'm in a bad environment, I adapt to fit that environment. Considering I've always been in a bad area, if I move to something better, will I change.... to fit? It's kinda a conformist's attitude, which is bad.

Remembrance

I can't stop thinking. Each little thing that happens brings new light into that particular piece of my life. Simple acts turn into grandeur conspiracies. The need to know what you think about, especially when it pertains to me, causes to act in a way that either reinforces that belief (which could be non-existent to begin with) or creates it. The character, the show I put on for you to judge that, instead what I really am, it creates all this data to be stored. With each analysis, with each piece of information I garner, I feel that just the simple act of remembering reality without tons of MY perspective (some will be there, there's no getting around that) is growing harder and harder. I forget the majority of things I shouldn't. Maybe from all the other data, that this I deem insignificant, gets deleted. This is why I cannot carry on in any normal kind of fashion. This is why how I relate to all of you will be just all me. You have no say in the matter.

That's just a theory. The real reason, I don't know. Maybe in a few years, I won't even remember anything that is happening now, even significant events. It's growing, this "disease" or whatever it is.

Through the constant face, that is the only way I'll remember. What would you do?

Standing On The Edge

"I've been standing on the edge of the roof looking down
I've been looking at the people that are gathering around
I've been here for an hour or maybe even more
Just looking at the people that I've never seen before
Stupid little suckers all laughing at me
No wills, cheap thrills, you're puppets to the master
Your only satisfaction is my lonely disaster
You learned how to creep, you learned how to crawl
But you never really learned anything at all

When I was a boy, everything was just fine
I learned how to talk and how to walk in line
I had to learn the rules that built our society
But I could never understand, it didn't mean shit to me
Everybody always told that I was out of my mind
But I never did kiss anybody's behind
I'm a lot older and I guess I should know
But I'm standing on the roof, just watching the show
Standing on the edge, and my step belongs to me
And I'm telling you all, I won't miss what I see

One foot over, there's not time to turn around
Both feet are over and I'm heading to the ground
I'm flying in the air and I can feel the cool breeze
The people on the pavement have gone into a freeze
No space, no time, it's like walking on the Moon
My heart is still beating, but it won't be soon
I can hear myself scream when I hit the street
I can't feel a thing from my head to my feet
I told you I would do it and I didn't even cry
I feel more alive dead, than when I was alive"

-Clawfinger's Catch Me, translated and taken from the Asta Kask song Dom Får Aldrig Mig.

Those That Lead

There are two kinds of people, at least for this demonstration. First, there are followers, or people who follow one particular group. Nothing wrong with these folks... not really, but they just are easily swayed. Afraid to garner criticism, on a personal level (some of the extreme ones take offense to attack on their idols or group) and also not willing to dish any out.... unless their group is doing so to another group. Ordinary people, I'd say a rough estimate of 75% to 85% of all people are this. They do their thing, fall in line and that's their lot in life. They figure "hey, there has to be something good to it, if so many people ascribe to it". It's not necessarily they are submitting, just getting a group that fits to their beliefs best. And tend to follow that group in wherever it goes. Left to themselves, they wouldn't accomplish much. Not because of laziness or inability to act, just because of fear. They need a good push in the right direction.

Then there are the leaders or people without the clout of being criticized and chastised, thinkers who move in the way of their values as they perceive it, not as a group would. Now, these help the former type found a path. Most of these kinds of people tend to be a bit condescending. The ordinary human isn't capable of much by himself. It's always been great leaders to "guide" the masses. The ordinary human has too many social fears and obligations to be worried about real change. I've come to realize I'm not a follower. My strong independent mind, I feel most don't have a clue. They need people like me. To push them forward, to break new ground for them to stand on. I can think of a dozen cases where I demonstrated a proactive step forward, where my inactivity would have led to nowhere, because of my opposing's inactivity. I have no fears about not being liked or respected. There's a time when views, radical views, must be brought forth, not to be judged. As I said, the ordinary would live in comfortability, with no change because the Now is good. One 'leader' can do more than what 1,000 'followers' can do.

Now, look at yourself. Are you led easily? Do you feel as your right as a human is to live safe and secure, with no harm or worries? What is life if not fraught with danger to obtain that which is greater and more rewarding than the "safe" paths? And if you are religious, just forget about it.

Comes down to two things: are you independent or dependent on happiness?

Earlier Than Later

Is it hard to imagine being different? If you tell most kids "When you get older, you will be a completely different person", they yell "No! I won't". It just seems like being different, having different interests, different likes/dislikes, aspirations/fears, friends/enemies, frightens most. Well, I know what change is. And people can change in an instant.

I recently found this out. Something just.... spoke to me, told me that what I was, was a lie. I was trying to mold myself into an image I didn't like. I wasn't true to myself and my beliefs. It wasn't conformity, but the principles still rang true. Things change. Just like my transformation into the being you see here now, my mind just switches. As it did here.

Look inside yourself. Determine exactly who you are... and who you want to be. Don't lie and pretend like you ARE that person. Who you want to be, that's what you aspire to, not instantly become. Because when the news hits you, you may surprised at your reaction.

Stings of a Conscience

What am I? This question is not often pondered. Because it sort of is a dumb question. But lately, I haven't been able to answer that. I have my beliefs and ideals, but I find myself sometimes acting, naturally, in a way unfitting of my personality. I attributed it to my getting "soft". It hasn't always been like this. But can one really live without doubt? The path I've created seems to lead nowhere. Well, nowhere good. But if I change my wheels now, can I really fully embrace the kind of person that would do that? In short, could I live with - myself? As I get older, I am fraught with these kinds of challenges. It's becoming harder to go on in this mentality.... in this frame.

So, for most who know me, know how I am. Then, why do the pains of being "me" exist? What came so easily a year ago, is becoming harder to maintain, now. Come to think of it, is it just a phase? Has what I thought was me, through and through, been a fucking phase?!?

So, perhaps, I am just a mockup of two personalities, at war with one another. Seeing who can win control, and make a decision helping along their own agenda. Heh, watch out, everyone. You never who, with me, who you'll get.

The Constraints Of Reality

More and more I find that I cannot be the person I want to be. The idealistic viewpoint from which I strive my mental capacity and my tangible goals... it's unrealistic. I am not living in this world, but a different one. Not a fantastical, romantic one that others dream about and what they live in. It's really not that different from reality. See, I was under the assumption that people actually thought about things. That I could provoke an enlightening conversation, from any person. That is untrue. People utterly refuse to think about things that go deeper than their weekend plans. And anyone who spends time thinking, wondering, pondering about the whole of existence, are seen as slackers. They are just unwilling to be seen as "different".

Also, I have realized that solitude, complete and utter solitude, I just can't do it anymore. I think that relying on people, for anything, is just faulty logic, because people are fickle and always trying to take advantage of anything to further their gain. But, alas, it seems I cannot escape the harsh realities. I only hope to realize something as provocative as I did, all those years ago, when I successfully pulled off complete solitude.

It's a mixed bag of fallacies that is making me question my own existence, when this is reality and these are my thoughts. It seems that, without chemical help, I am destined to be stranded within my own mind. For I cannot stop what I think, what I realize, or what I feel, especially when it plays against what should be expected or is deemed accepted by society. You can't live in society, without living by their rules.

What's the point of living, when this is what I have to look forward to?

What I See

I am not searching for a "soul mate". I'm not even searching for a mate. But every once in a while, someone just strikes me.

It takes a very unique sets of traits for me to see that in someone. I seem to see not a physical appearance, but rather it's reflected by the personality and intellect, that's how I perceive someone's outward appearance. Think of it like this: ever see a picture after a car wreck? You see the car banged up, but you don't know how it came to be that way. Well, when I see pictures of that certain "someone", it's like that. A still picture cannot convey, adequately, what I see and perceive.

All that aside, I hate when these things happen. My severe lack of trust of anyone is what will keep any kind of normal person away. Among other things. And it's always the wrong person. That even a normal fantastical scenario would never exist. Luckily, I can probably blame it on youth.

That's the one thing I love about my pseudo-alzheimers. It allows me to forget what I feel, a lot of the time. Forgetting is good.

Afterthought

I realized a few things out in San Diego. Whatever I fooled my own mind into thinking beforehand, all went away as the times for choices came. I am who I am, simply put. I can't just be, like some people. I need a purpose. That's why tragedy is so attractive. Tragedy weakens the complacent and allows others to display their talents and abilities.

This trip also accelerated my growth, almost exponentially. I learned a lot. About myself and about the nature of humans.

Also, a strange thing happened. An "overwhelming" feeling befallen me. Sure, it was gut and it was instinct, without any logic or reason. Perhaps I missed my chance to explore it further. But it will fade with time. Feelings and emotions are only good, when kept in check. And this trip expelled too much from me. I am not one for feeling helpless, but such situations like these paralyze the unprepared. And unprepared I was.

And the sweet embrace of seclusion beckons me, once again. After two weeks of "being wanted", I am ready to fall back into my typical role.

I have changed. Only time will tell in what ways I changed the most.

The Curse

There's this curse that has been following me for as long as I could remember. I never actually acknowledged it as a curse, before now. But I am convinced that it is. Curse, bad karma, bad juju, whatever you want to call it. And it goes like this:

Everything good that has ever happened to me, an equal (or greater) bad thing has happened. It first started with my most major car accident. My older brother (who I adored at the time) gave me these two giant plastic coins (one of nickel, one of the penny). Being that I adored him, I adored these coins. Coincidentally, that same day was the wreck and I lost those coins. It's a small thing, but to me, it was the worst. And it just gotten worse over time.

Now, the latest... I am destined to live a life of misery. Bad things that happen, they can't be stopped. And the trend is such that it's not "fate" or "things happening for a reason". It's a direct attempt at ill will.

Suppose, maybe, there is really a god. And I pissed him off.