Obsession In Hate

Throughout my life, I've had a few obsessions. Mostly vices, just for fun, but an academic one (that came too late, I might add), but always positive, something I enjoy. Although I'm an extremely negative person (I'm working on turning that around), I never was obsessed with anything in it, just having those negative feelings. But then I realized, I do have an obsession. An obsession with hate. Something grueling and fearsome, that I don't enjoy, that always brings me down. Weird thing about obsessions, they also come with denial. Nobody wants to admit they're obsessed because, most of the time, it's embarrassing and not something good.

I allowed my obsession to cloud my judgment and I made rash decisions, luckily none that negatively affected me. Heh, not like the one before. So I'm getting off of this obsession relatively easily. "Moving on" always struck me as something that normal, bland, lifeless drones do. If something truly matters to me, there isn't just "moving on", especially if it's still within reach. And I feel this obsession is still within reach. But I'm done reaching. Not because it tires me. But because I realized that holding onto these negative feelings, obsessing about them, is pointless. So this chapter that was started in March, ends now. I thought it would have a bad ending. But looking around at what I have, especially those things that I have obtained in spite of, I would say it's a happy ending. It's the sad beginning that ruins it all.

I think I'm done being depressed. Everything I lost, I have again, but ten times better. I could write for hours on the mental impact and the intricate circumstances surrounding it all, but I'm done obsessing with it. It'll be just another bad memory, something I can call on if the situation ever rose again.
For once, I actually feel good about writing this. The person we used to be..... how much we despise them now.

Memories

Just tonight, I realized how much trauma (most importantly, emotional trauma) completely alters your memory. You recollect events in different orders, forget whole conversations, even mix up who said what. When you look upon a certain event, you turn to hatred, bitterness.... and then to the feeling you had at the time, and then feel guilty for feeling then feel angry for feeling guilty and then just get overall depress at getting anger at yourself for feeling guilty over something stupid.

Our lives are lived in a hurricane, without only brief moments in the eye, where everything is calm and peaceful. I fucking hate technology for bringing this down upon me. I could have lived in complete isolation and solace and maybe have made some great philosophical breakthrough in terms of the way we relate to each other and the cosmos. No, no, instead I started engaging whiny bitches on the internet and thus became one.

After events such as these, you must remember to leave things in the past. EVERYTHING in the past. No revisiting, no remarking, no checking for fucking continuity. Just leave it all and never look back. The only problem is that history tends to repeat itself. If you don't learn from your past mistakes, then you may have them done again by your own hand, because you see, history tends to repeat itself. Take your lessons from the little amount of hard evidence you have to look at. I hate the way it turned out, absolutely loathe it to infinity and hate reading everything before then, because it reminds me of how I felt, how that thing I vowed never to let happen..... happened.

Yet, I would lose my mind if all evidence was erased from existence.

Depression

Depression comes in many forms. Even the definition is very broad. In short, it's the crippling sense of the same of the worst you've ever had, perpetually, forever. While it's an illogical state of mind, when you're in it, you really don't see logic, reality, the real world, or anything. You just see your pain and suffering. For a lot of sufferers, it IS a perpetual thing and becomes as ingrained in their psyche as a character trait. Yet, they don't want to find a way out because it's a part of them, they feel, and it rub it out would be to not be themselves. Anyone who is too deep in this hole is probably out of reach and lost forever. But those who want help, and don't want it run their lives, they are worth saving, in ways, better than content folks. It's simple, someone who has gone through that publicly, has a sense of humility about them. Something human, something that will forever keep them tied to reality and not veer off course.

Now, because of the quickness sufferers want "help", drugs and psychiatry are often the first solution. Like a placebo, it covers the wound, but doesn't cure it. Those depressed, chronically as it were, need to look into themselves, find out the root problem and fix it or live with it. For those that don't, they have never spent long nights inside their own mind, hitting all the things that make them them. It's sometimes sad to see those who have such huge amounts of potential fall to this, because of peer pressure, failure to please family, or a failure to live up to a parents' dream. One with no restrictions, such as I, can see it for it is - control. Anyway, it's very important to try to understand the root problem and fix it. Maybe it this can't be achieved by yourself and you might need help.

More than drugs, more than paid counselors, what most just need is someone to care. And it's so goddamn unfortunate that the best people, often fall this way.