Knowing Vs. Hoping

There's a lot of things about this world I don't like. I don't like how corruption is prevalent in any hierarchical structure, especially with one vast enough to encompass thousands of employees (I'm not an advocate of smaller government, though). I don't like how romanticized ideals of how romantic relationships should go, and when that fades, everyone accepts that it was inevitable. I don't like the idea that pricks seem to be the most ahead in life, but squander it more than others. I don't like how you have to choose between been successful (rather, being perceived as successful and accomplishing a lot) and living a life you want (for those who lives don't revolve around their work). I don't like the fact that faith is lauded in the face of evidence and reasoned arguments. I don't like that some truths and facts that seem like basic ideas to me, escape those wiser or smarter than me. I don't like the best of our kind doesn't feel like they are worth anything, because they don't conform to the ideal set forth. There are a lot of things about this world I do not like, but accept these things as fact. Just because you don't like something doesn't make it not true. It's a sentiment I see a lot from people, where if they just ignore a problem, it no longer exists.

People need to understand the reality we live in. Things about human nature, social behavior, etc. We've conquered the planet, now we need to conquer our own understanding of ourselves. I wish I could see if these behaviors are solely attributed to human beings, or if they are sentient qualities. What I wouldn't give to know such answers. But I don't and, as much as I don't like something, it doesn't make it not true. Does accepting these things make me bitter? Perhaps.  The optimistic often seem hopeful, right? They *hope* things get better or something will happen. Most hope that a higher power intervenes, which is the most pointless thing in the world, because hoping non-existent creatures intervene is hoping against knowing. I see the world as it is, as reality has been demonstrated to me in all my experiences. And all this shit is now becoming too predictable.

Distractions

"Life is pain" is not only an emo cliche, it actually makes sense. Much of our lives consist of taking some sort of risk with as close as a gain equivalent to the risk. Like going to work or school. I'm positive that the majority of people would want to skip those parts and just reap the benefits, but obviously this is impossible, or more often times, the closest thing to that is illegal. So we bear these responsibilities for the gains we get - work = money and school = opportunities for work. Also, let me state  I'm not in this camp of my profession defining me. Maybe if I had more opportunities, I would be much prouder of a profession to ascribe that label to me, but as it stands, I do not.

We do what we have to to live. Most people who have blue collar or jobs that are menial or not specialized don't often enjoy their work. So to ease their stressful mind off of not living the life they want, they must have distractions. Things that generally make them forget or that override that foreboding feeling. I found now, even as I am temporarily living the life where I choose my activities, day to day (not on any government welfare program, just chose not to partake in our "great" capitalist system and instead, saved my money for this time) and although I still am conscious of the responsibilities coming soon, it's generally off my mind as it is far off, yet I find myself still getting distressed at things, little things. Things I can't necessarily explain, but they had a bad mood, just a dreadful feeling. As long as I continue to remember that I have this awful emotion, not remembering the particular thing that invoked it, just the feeling, it will perpetuate. Distractions do help.

If you are brought down, find a way to temporarily bring you out of the routine in which caused the bad mood. Distract.

I Hate Hot Chicks: Partie Trois

I recently came into contact with a "hot chick" and most of my assumptions based on a purely observational perspective seem to ring true. I don't know how it is for the rest of them, but this one lived in a bubble, she didn't see that her life was affected negatively or positively by her condition. Although based on her actions, I am led to believe that she is, in fact, an anomaly, but still present was a lack of a personality (or not fully formed personality), a clear sense of entitlement and rejection of a reality that was not consistent with which the one she wanted, and an air-headed like state. It was through my interactions that I realized that it does more than affect one's confidence - it fundamentally changes the way a person thinks and how they are treated. It's like they are a different race, literally. Ha, and if it was a race, well, you can call me a racist. I'm just amazed, it literally doesn't matter outside of their appearance of attractiveness. I'm not saying they are all stupid, but there's... a lack of three-dimensional being. They can be intelligent, they can be scientists and entrepreneurs or whatever, but there's just something about it that doesn't allow them to fully experience all of thinking. It's hard to explain, as you can see.

Now I want to break down MY definitions of beautiful and "hot". Beauty, as they say, IS in the eye of the beholder. It's a completely subjective thing, not beholden to any standard than outside of one's perception. However "hot" is much different. I can't explain hot, I can't explain how someone is hot or what makes them hot, but we all know what "hot" is. We all know these really attractive "hot" people, we can, even if not entirely consciously, we can identify them with nothing more than a glance. Beautiful, like I said, could be anything. One person who I would find beautiful, another would not. But we both would find a hot person.... well, hot. It's an indication of genetics and healthiness, that's an inherently sought after trait that we might not even be aware of. But one thing is certain - beautiful girls are beautiful .... but I DO hate hot chicks.

The Me, I, and You

What makes you you? What characteristics are distinct to your personality? I've never gotten this sort of sense of self-definition, moral or values, etc. That's not like selfishness or looking out for one's own best interest, I get that very easily. Like Christians for instance, their values and ideals tend not to change for long periods of time, their very views and opinions don't seem to change. Maybe it's a personality thing, the type that draws them to this logic. My main point about this is, there is no you.  You are a product of genetics, your environment, your parental guidance and ultimately, just a victim of events of consequence and chance. It's hard to reconcile this with your ego, say there is no you, only a canvas that, because of the colors aligned in a certain way, makes that distinct picture (artist analogy, but frankly if you didn't get that, you probably won't understand any of this post, so why am I bothering to write this?).

It's like logic that says Christians are only Christians because they were brought up in a culture in which the spooky religious, spiritual, communal tradition is that of Christianity... predominantly. If they lived in a predominantly Muslim culture, or Buddhist culture, or Hindi culture, and so on.

What forms consciousness? This questions ultimately are only good for "food for thought" as they say, as either way they go, it has no impact on any lives. So if we're just blank cattle, so what? And if we truly are individuals within our communities.... so what? I've often pondered the question that if you could take the same exact same set of genes and "raise" them in every culture, to see what the results would be. Would there be characteristics that are unique enough to be called distinct across all incarnations of these genes, or would they all be different? There is absolutely no way to do this experiment, as raising a child is not just a culture, it's also the parents, people, economic situation, etc. It's fun to think about. Think of the core of you. What experience, if any, made you who you are? I come from a very unique situation... my memory, conscious memory anyway (just when I don't focus on remembering), is absolutely atrocious, so I tend to forget my positions on certain issues, maybe that makes me more susceptible to other viewpoints because I'm essentially a fairly blank state to begin with. But for "normal" people with normal functioning memories, why do you people stay the same for so long? I change every 6 months or so, on at least 30-40% of whatever I'm thinking, priorities, what's important, etc. I couldn't imagine holding the same views on something before and after hearing a lot of evidence on it. We don't learn everything at once, we take lots of information from different sources, just boggles me that anyone who keeps up with the times would remain stagnant in views and opinions.

Anyway, the events around us make us different and unique, we have no intrinsic uniqueness... unless you believe in an intelligent creator.

Unconcious Preference Vs. Conscious Choice

Sometimes, I think about all the things in life that we choose. Professions, friends, things to do, things to buy, things NOT to buy, the life you want to lead. In a perfect world, every single thing we do would be driven by a conscious choice that we make. But it's not. The first thing we have no control over, I think anyway, is morality. For a lot of people, morality is not a thought, it's just... what it is. Morality is a tenuous thing, but to people like me, morality and logic must be in balance. For most, it is not.
Also, the things we like.... they aren't always a conscious thing that we think about. I think, depending on how our childhood went, we will automatically like certain things versus others, because of nostalgia. You like it simply because of a memory, not for what it is. It is preferenced.

Another thing is intimate friends, people with whom you share very intimate details of your life, opening them up to scrutiny. One would think it's a choice, you choose the best candidates, but this isn't true. For the most part, this is in regards to romantic relationships, where there are constant breakups because of one of the party's errors, possibly on purpose and not in favor of the mutual relationship. Why does the opposing party accept them back? Outside of desperation, there isn't a conscious choice there. It's an unconscious preference based on..... well, it's individual in every case and even then, hard to spot. But things just go right for some reason, so the opposing parties joins ties again. So do we choose? Can we choose? Does it even matter?
I don't think we do choose, I think it's preference, it's something our psyche or conscience or whatever decides and slowly manipulates our conscious decision-making brain to accept it and rationalize it.

I'll be honest, this is a bit depressing. Not that people lie, but you can't know if there is some unconscious preference they have for you or if it's "genuine". Just another thing to make life that more complicated.

Progress Versus Tradition

I find traditions abhorrent. You could say it's because I was never held in any traditions, but I would say I was never indoctrinated into any of them. Really, it's a form of oppression. And by the way, I'm not talking traditions like certain people setting the table at dinner time or anything like that. I'm talking religions, "rain dances", festivals immortalizing deities, even something as tied to modern culture as marriage. All started for one reason and now, are something completely different.

I think that, in this age of knowledge and technology, traditions should be a dying breed. It's just something used by the powerful to control the dumb and ignorant. It helps the ignorant focus on little happiness and complacency instead of learning the intricacies of the way our world works and challenging authority. It's a throwback to the old days where many things could not be explained and the masses didn't even want to. The effort and work was not worth it, especially when they would pursue happiness instead. It's just such a perpetual cycle that seeing young people fall to these old ideals, it's a travesty.

Traditions, just like religion, should be understood as mental masturbation and not something to revere.

Could You Please Do Me A Favor? F**k Off

I just have a question. People often tell me that, if someone is mean to you, be nice to them. This is called "killing them with kindness". I never listened to these people because they are about as psychologically deep as rabid elephants. The question here is not how do you go about dealing with your enemies, but a slightly different one.

How do you be mean to someone who is nice to you?

Seems like a stupid question, right? Well, I have this thing about me. Call it moral integrity or whatever. But I don't hate a person based on how they treat me. I come off as rather rude and abrasive sometimes, so I don't mind if someone reciprocates that. However, I do take issue to people who may be nice to me, for whatever reason, and mean towards someone else who isn't deserving of it. Even in school, when I did have "manners", I often didn't like people who were nice to me because they treated others like shit. Usually towards generally nice and wholesome people. And I just couldn't get past that. There is someone who is nice to me (don't worry, it's not you, it's someone who will never, ever read this) but mean to others. And I don't like that.

So just someone tell me how I can be mean to this person. I find hard, consider their kindness towards me.

The Many Facets

Just a short write. I noticed that it's high unlikely that you'll ever meet anyone exactly like you. I found out quite recently, that if you think someone is, there's usually some way they drastically aren't. I've talked to 4 or 5 different people and I could tell you that we are all similar. How is this? The many different faces you have. You can't be one thing, all the time. Some will share your outlook on life, however bleak. Some will share a difficult situation similar to yours that they handled in exactly the same way. Some will share your phobias and the way you view others. Some will share your lifestyle choice, and the way you live.

So many different things about you, it's hard not to relate to someone.

Comfort Zone

It just stuns me how much of history and comfortability can really affect a relationship. Now, I'm sure to most normal people, there is a period when around a new person, for whatever reason be it work or school or if you two hang with similar friends, you just don't feel that comfortable. It's understandable and it makes sense. You don't know this person, who they are, what they are, what their views are or what they've done. But again, for whatever reason, you get comfortable with this person. They either become your friend, your enemy, or your "pet" (I'll explain in a different post). I'm just going to focus on the friend part. Let's say that you two don't exactly share the same religious views or political views, but maybe you think the same about psychology or whatever. Point is you both are different enough to be different and yet become friends. Then let's say, you move past just comfortable into the "we can talk about anything" zone. And still being different, but carrying on, just the same. Now you go into "I really care about your opinion" zone, and that's where things get tricky. You don't share the same values or views, but for whatever reason, you two are pretty close. What keeps that going? Most people would just leave it at that, but I still ask the question.

Anyway, this one seems incomplete because I don't know the answer. I guess it's just once you regard somebody with familiarity and trust, it can extend past whatever trivial reasons you two should like one another.

Is Human Life Sacred?

To everyone I know (almost everyone), they would say that human life is sacred automatically, without thinking. But it's the same as saying "I love my family". You don't think about it, you just say/feel it. What makes human life sacred? The fact that we live and are aware? This may be the case thousands of years ago, but now with overpopulation, it seems that fact is flawed. Humans breed rapidly, among the other species. It's not because of a short gestation or maturation span, it's because of our ability to survive and endure longer than any other species. When I hear of another random dead human, I think "one down, 8 billion to go". Okay, not that extreme but if an even more aware species came along, they might view us as we view lesser species. Run rampant and out of control, we hunt to control the population and restore balance to nature. Who makes the call that we are different from this law of nature? I guess the fact that we are superior has something to do with it, but if a more advanced race comes along, nature will take its course.

Religion and medicine say that all human life is sacred. That we are all equal, in God's eyes or when ill. I spoke of value before, so obviously, I don't think this is so. What makes us sacred? The millions, billions, who are just placeholders for the continuation of our species, why do they matter? So what if you didn't stop that robber from shooting and killing that man, there are plenty more of him out there. The fact that it isn't hard to make life - at least, for the living beings - devalues it and the evil that resides in all of us devalues it further.

If you think that all human life is sacred, stop lying to yourself. And if you truly, truly believe it, then you are an even bigger fool than you can possibly imagine.

You Can't Prove An Idea Or Feeling

Lies are a fairly easy thing. I lie on daily basis. It is a common part of living amongst.... uncivilized people. But they are restricted to harsh slanderous remarks. Lies also come in the form of knowledge or admission. I cannot trust anyone. Anyone who is stupid enough not to lie won't garner my respect and those who do lie I can never hold in too high regard. It troubles me what people say versus their actual actions. They don't match up. And if you inquire, well then, using words, they claim that isn't case, furthering their "hole digging". I hold that you can only truly know someone's intentions, 100%, when they are backed into a corner, with no way out, metaphorically and literally, when the time calls for it.

You have to do more than just tell me something. You have to prove your point, you have to make me believe what you are saying. There are many things to gain from lying and I know every single one of them. You have to prove it, through actions. Because words, just as people, are meaningless to me.

The Experiment Officially Ends

So, I have halted this experiment many times, but now I am officially calling it off. It began almost a year ago (even though it's initial conception was near the end of December, the ball in motion started in the middle of November). I learned a lot, both of human nature and of myself, but ultimately ended up in the same place I was when I started.

The hypothesis was that I can not function, socially, around anyone. That I am such a solitary being to the point of exclusion. Now, there were a lot of different assumptions I have. I was glad enough that I could conduct this experiment in the same grounds it was conceived in. Very convenient. I thought maybe the closest group to my own interests would be enough to prove that I can indeed form connections that were equal and not at the expense of either party, as is all other relations I have ever had. But turns out my hypothesis was correct. I am just too different. Those within the study group, though fascinating, turned out to be simple minds just with a more complex way of perceiving and thinking, while bringing nothing more useful to the table. In essence, I learned that the majority of folks are quite the same. Sure, there are different personality traits among them, but overall they lack a certain "thing" required for me to view them equally and without bias.

Throughout this experiment, I suffered some changes. Firstly, somehow I forgot to listen. That's an odd thing to forget, but I became less perceptive of my surroundings, offline and on. But I gained a certain amount of confidence in my abilities I didn't have before. Seems an even balance. Although this experiment was taxing physically, mentally, financially, but above all of those, it was the most emotional taxing of any of my others. Basically because it created them in me. Well, anything but angry and rage, anyway. I can't say it was an entirely scientific experiment because I had push in which outcome I would have, thus contaminating the results.

Of course, for any experiment to be valid, it must be tested multiple times under the same condition. I have no such time so the information I take from this will suffice. There is such a curious thing in simple humans. They tend to band together, in some sort of camaraderie despite differences. I understand if there is a need to "fight" a common enemy, which for them would be boredom I guess. What I found to be disturbing was their lack of passion. They seemed content, but I sensed an inner hollowness in most of them. Something bad in their past that left them morbidly bitter to push them into the position they are in, as part of the community. I don't condemn them for it, but the fact that that hasn't done much for their state of mind is much worse. People both in the experiment and those I see around, they lack such a passion and hell, compassionate caring. Ironic coming from me, but I think I care more about the "real" things than they do. Always taken for granted, probably because it's just as I say, no one is special. I die, you move on. Few cases defy this convention.

A very curious thing happened during this experiment (I would say because of). I wouldn't say another experiment, that's a bit too harsh, but kind of a trial. Something a bit more extreme than the original experiment. Something I wished the outcome differently than my original hypothesis. Although, once again must be proven multiple times before fact and once more I have taken it as fact, it fell to it's bloody end. What I learned from that is that anyone willing wouldn't be up to par, but anyone up to par wouldn't be willing.

So that experiment ends with much learned and gained. The next one, I don't know about. I must analyze this further before continuing.

Not So Special

There are several factors that make up how people act. But they are all indirect. Most have nothing to even do with the thoughts. Background, environment, prior relationships/contacts, family, religious affiliation... I could go on all day. Point is, no one is truly special or different. I'm certainly not. I can cite each instance of my "personality" in a previous experience. We are just the product of our experiences. That's all. So, the next time you go out of your way to think that someone is different from all the rest, just think: they just had slightly different experiences, but that doesn't necessarily lead to a difference worth noting, just a difference. Nothing under, just a difference, not more or less, just equally different. It's great, if things don't work out, just look for other people with different experiences. Sure, you couldn't make a test and determine which experiences you want or not want. It's somewhat dependent upon the person, but ultimately, it's not that big a factor in it.

Billions of lives.... nothing is truly different, just merely unknown.

I Hate Hot Chicks Part Two

Now this part consists of the social treatment of this particular brand of human. I have encountered this more, in the past few months. "Hot" chicks obviously have preferential treatment. Since this is a male dominated society, this is most prevalent. I don't care if you are the most open-minded hot chick ever, your perception of society is going to be different from the normal girl. Everyone will laugh at your jokes, everyone will think your ideas are good, everyone will like you. The only who won't are other jealous hot chicks..... and people like me (male and female). Before, I mentioned exceptions. I find out, there are none. This is widespread across the board. Now, that also depends on what crosses the line into "hot chick". I can't outline it, but you can see it in any particular attractive female.

Due to everyone already having an opinion of you before you even open your mouth, you don't have to develop a personality. While this doesn't matter in the beginning, you will struggle later on. Every single living person, to me, offers a new perspective on life. A new way to perceive, imagine, see the world around us. Different thoughts, different opinions, different experiences, I only seek the learn from those I have not. The one exception to people I can learn from, you guessed it, "hot chicks". Their perspective is that of everyone around them, they don't need to develop an opinion to anything that doesn't directly affect them.

This does not upset me, that just because the idea of a human with the right features just gets a breeze through life. On the flip side, someone with beauty of the mind, with such rich ideas and thoughts, do not get the recognition they deserved because they don't fit the model of a physically attractive human. It doesn't because what you call 'karma' is on my side. The people of REAL beauty are realized a little later on, but those who aren't vain and materialistic, while their "hot" counterparts get used and the beauty that they possessed is ages out, in a short time.

REAL beauty doesn't age.

Those That Lead

There are two kinds of people, at least for this demonstration. First, there are followers, or people who follow one particular group. Nothing wrong with these folks... not really, but they just are easily swayed. Afraid to garner criticism, on a personal level (some of the extreme ones take offense to attack on their idols or group) and also not willing to dish any out.... unless their group is doing so to another group. Ordinary people, I'd say a rough estimate of 75% to 85% of all people are this. They do their thing, fall in line and that's their lot in life. They figure "hey, there has to be something good to it, if so many people ascribe to it". It's not necessarily they are submitting, just getting a group that fits to their beliefs best. And tend to follow that group in wherever it goes. Left to themselves, they wouldn't accomplish much. Not because of laziness or inability to act, just because of fear. They need a good push in the right direction.

Then there are the leaders or people without the clout of being criticized and chastised, thinkers who move in the way of their values as they perceive it, not as a group would. Now, these help the former type found a path. Most of these kinds of people tend to be a bit condescending. The ordinary human isn't capable of much by himself. It's always been great leaders to "guide" the masses. The ordinary human has too many social fears and obligations to be worried about real change. I've come to realize I'm not a follower. My strong independent mind, I feel most don't have a clue. They need people like me. To push them forward, to break new ground for them to stand on. I can think of a dozen cases where I demonstrated a proactive step forward, where my inactivity would have led to nowhere, because of my opposing's inactivity. I have no fears about not being liked or respected. There's a time when views, radical views, must be brought forth, not to be judged. As I said, the ordinary would live in comfortability, with no change because the Now is good. One 'leader' can do more than what 1,000 'followers' can do.

Now, look at yourself. Are you led easily? Do you feel as your right as a human is to live safe and secure, with no harm or worries? What is life if not fraught with danger to obtain that which is greater and more rewarding than the "safe" paths? And if you are religious, just forget about it.

Comes down to two things: are you independent or dependent on happiness?