Obsession In Hate

Throughout my life, I've had a few obsessions. Mostly vices, just for fun, but an academic one (that came too late, I might add), but always positive, something I enjoy. Although I'm an extremely negative person (I'm working on turning that around), I never was obsessed with anything in it, just having those negative feelings. But then I realized, I do have an obsession. An obsession with hate. Something grueling and fearsome, that I don't enjoy, that always brings me down. Weird thing about obsessions, they also come with denial. Nobody wants to admit they're obsessed because, most of the time, it's embarrassing and not something good.

I allowed my obsession to cloud my judgment and I made rash decisions, luckily none that negatively affected me. Heh, not like the one before. So I'm getting off of this obsession relatively easily. "Moving on" always struck me as something that normal, bland, lifeless drones do. If something truly matters to me, there isn't just "moving on", especially if it's still within reach. And I feel this obsession is still within reach. But I'm done reaching. Not because it tires me. But because I realized that holding onto these negative feelings, obsessing about them, is pointless. So this chapter that was started in March, ends now. I thought it would have a bad ending. But looking around at what I have, especially those things that I have obtained in spite of, I would say it's a happy ending. It's the sad beginning that ruins it all.

I think I'm done being depressed. Everything I lost, I have again, but ten times better. I could write for hours on the mental impact and the intricate circumstances surrounding it all, but I'm done obsessing with it. It'll be just another bad memory, something I can call on if the situation ever rose again.
For once, I actually feel good about writing this. The person we used to be..... how much we despise them now.

Memories

Just tonight, I realized how much trauma (most importantly, emotional trauma) completely alters your memory. You recollect events in different orders, forget whole conversations, even mix up who said what. When you look upon a certain event, you turn to hatred, bitterness.... and then to the feeling you had at the time, and then feel guilty for feeling then feel angry for feeling guilty and then just get overall depress at getting anger at yourself for feeling guilty over something stupid.

Our lives are lived in a hurricane, without only brief moments in the eye, where everything is calm and peaceful. I fucking hate technology for bringing this down upon me. I could have lived in complete isolation and solace and maybe have made some great philosophical breakthrough in terms of the way we relate to each other and the cosmos. No, no, instead I started engaging whiny bitches on the internet and thus became one.

After events such as these, you must remember to leave things in the past. EVERYTHING in the past. No revisiting, no remarking, no checking for fucking continuity. Just leave it all and never look back. The only problem is that history tends to repeat itself. If you don't learn from your past mistakes, then you may have them done again by your own hand, because you see, history tends to repeat itself. Take your lessons from the little amount of hard evidence you have to look at. I hate the way it turned out, absolutely loathe it to infinity and hate reading everything before then, because it reminds me of how I felt, how that thing I vowed never to let happen..... happened.

Yet, I would lose my mind if all evidence was erased from existence.

A Friend

Every time I've used the word "love" it has referred to the general consensus of what the word means. Romantic relationships. That's it. And I think about this word a lot, because it so ingrained into our very fabric of humanity, yet is entirely without sense. Like a African tribesman trying to figure out electrical wiring. We can't comprehend its gravity, how it is, and not to the mention the chemicals released into our heads upon "falling" for it.

But my meaning is so much deeper than that contrived term. To me, it refers to that connection, that moment where you, without even thinking, cease to be, in place of this person. I said feelings and emotions are good, in check. I don't throw the word around - in my meaning- lightly. I take it very serious. I take both extremes, very serious. Because people die over this. They choose not to even exist over this. It's such a powerful thing, yet so goddamn meaningless, due to the fact that there is no lofty gain that anyone else could point at and say "Well, that fellow certainly accomplished something". It has been so watered down and overused that we are desensitized to it, now. Love. Used to mean something. Now it can be used for two promiscuous partners who like to screw a lot. I hate THAT meaning. I think it can be a good thing, indeed. My love can be very motivating. It can back you into a corner, and as I stated previously I like that.

I Hate You

I do hate you. Yes, you. I know some will read this and think "Well, he certainly doesn't hate me". No, you are incorrect. "He doesn't even know me, how can he--" I can and do. I hate you. If you are reading this, I hate you (unless you are me, in which case I don't hate you). I hate what you like. I hate what you aspire to. I hate your hobbies. I hate those little things you say. I hate everything about you. Everything that makes up your composition, as a person. By even making this post, I am inhibiting my growth, as a human being with your hideous nonsense.

Now, I can't remember the last time I used that phrase seriously. I don't go around spouting to people that I hate them. It illicits a very emotional response from some. It is just an opinion. I say I like turkey, you wouldn't get offended at that, would you? If I hate you, I won't even waste the breath to argue or point this out. Once that becomes my belief, you are dead. You no longer "pick up" on my radar. You must be thinking that, since I still do converse with some of you, oh I can't hate you. But I do, just to a lesser extent. I either hate you or don't know you.

Love Is.....

Stupid. Completely and utterly. It has no point. It's a simple need, simple desire to give us the impression that procreation means something. I know I've heard the same crap over and over "It's not supposed to be logical. It is supposed to illogical and unreasonable". Yeah, that's your best argument against this?

It seems that people are just trying to justify it, someway. They know it's bullshit. It's just some imaginative story that you can wing around, thinking someone actually cares. Don't get me wrong, some people delude themselves into that kind of thinking. Then, they WAKE UP! But they fail again, when "the one" comes around. It's like some sick cycle.

Now the next argument "You don't know because you've never been in love". Oh, like some anonymous chick is just going to make me change ALL my ways. Unlikely. And yeah, suppose I've never been "in love". What does that even entail? I've had infatuations, until I realize how stupid either the infatuation is, or how much the person is. Either way, I realize the idiocy of it all.

Love is defined as "an intense emotional attachment". What you perceive as a strong attachment is nothing more than a played out infatuation, which inevitably ends in disaster for all parties involved. And when people spout off about "true love", makes me want to vomit. The idea of love and "true love" is good and everything, but, just like religion, IT'S JUST NOT FUCKING TRUE!

People who search for love, they aren't searching for a person, they are searching for the idea. Now, here's the part where the typical person would call me gay or some shit like that. That, of course, is just wrong and ignorant, and downright retarded.

There are girls that I like. Plenty of them. But I wouldn't pursue a romantic or sexual relationship with any of them. Because that just muddies the water. Puts undo pressure on the relationship. That brings up another thing I am repulsed by. It seems to me that most boy/girl relationships (that aren't family, obviously), they have to go the whole "love" route. Why? Why is that even an entertained notion? Why can't there just be friends?

I hate the whole idea, and I probably always will.

Boredimanium

The human mind, regardless of race, gender, level of intelligence, needs entertainment, in whatever form each individual derives it from. Anything that stimulates our minds, and causes pleasure, no matter how little or how much. Which has led me to conclude why most relationships will fail. Romantic relationships, long-term friendly relationships, every relationship but, maybe, business relationships.

Now the reason is, because too much complacency bores the mind. As comedian Chris Rock once said "The only exciting relationships are BAD relationships". Not to mention humans primal urge to "spread the genetic seed". But that just pertains to romantic ones, obviously.

In just friendly relationships, I think that once you see someone as well below what you may thought of them, or lacking a certain "something". Whatever it is, it causes a wedge to develop. We've all felt it, at one time or another. Good friends, just drifting apart and no one knows why. Well, I know why. Boredom ensues. The relationship becomes stale. It happens to everyone. It can't be reversed, it can't be avoided, although in rare cases.

So, just what is the secret to a long and healthy relationship? I don't know yet. Maybe, I never will.