The Constraints Of Reality

More and more I find that I cannot be the person I want to be. The idealistic viewpoint from which I strive my mental capacity and my tangible goals... it's unrealistic. I am not living in this world, but a different one. Not a fantastical, romantic one that others dream about and what they live in. It's really not that different from reality. See, I was under the assumption that people actually thought about things. That I could provoke an enlightening conversation, from any person. That is untrue. People utterly refuse to think about things that go deeper than their weekend plans. And anyone who spends time thinking, wondering, pondering about the whole of existence, are seen as slackers. They are just unwilling to be seen as "different".

Also, I have realized that solitude, complete and utter solitude, I just can't do it anymore. I think that relying on people, for anything, is just faulty logic, because people are fickle and always trying to take advantage of anything to further their gain. But, alas, it seems I cannot escape the harsh realities. I only hope to realize something as provocative as I did, all those years ago, when I successfully pulled off complete solitude.

It's a mixed bag of fallacies that is making me question my own existence, when this is reality and these are my thoughts. It seems that, without chemical help, I am destined to be stranded within my own mind. For I cannot stop what I think, what I realize, or what I feel, especially when it plays against what should be expected or is deemed accepted by society. You can't live in society, without living by their rules.

What's the point of living, when this is what I have to look forward to?

Creationist + Evolutionist = F@#%ing Moron

We know what Creationism is all about. That God (or more specifically, a deity) created the world. Designed all the animals, by hand.

We know what evolution is all about. Came from atoms, adapted to survive.

Now, when a Christian (a Creationist) says they believe in evolution, it makes me want to end a small puppy's life. How can you believe two contradictory things? It's like being a Jewish Nazi. Or being a Log Cabin Republican. Just doesn't make any sense. "God made things to evolve" No, he didn't. He made the things as they are, because it's HIS design. Gods are egotistical asses. They aren't going to allow their creation to "evolve" out of the exact thing that it is. It would defy God, and if he is defied, the world ends.

So tell me, you crazie. Does it make sense, to YOU?

Just Another Body, Part Two

There are 6 billion humans currently, on Earth. There, most likely, has been near 1,000,000x times that, in all of existence. What makes YOU so special? On the flip side, what comes with running with the herd? If you are thinking like most people, then you won't go anywhere. Among humans, sure, you may be just right. Achieve as much, and live as such. But among the universe... it takes another kind of special. One who is not bound by "popular" morality, "popular" values, "popular" standards. When someone steps out of line, we feel inclined to push them back in, chastise them for even thinking about it, putting them down because they refuse to be "human".

What is "human", anyway? Humans are social creatures, so that would lend one to believe that traveling in groups and living in a civilization successfully, that what it is to be human. But humans are also very smart. So, to invent and think creatively to solve crisis, that's what it is to be human. But creativity isn't common. Creativity, by very definition, is against the mainstream.

I have always had a problem with complacent humans. People who do things, out of habit, or because it's "what they are suppose to". I fall out of line, on purpose. I feel like it's my duty to remind people, that some out content with what they want. What they would classify as "normal", just doesn't apply. Even applying labels to unique "normal" people, that doesn't apply.

It's unfortunate that the extremely creative, often get confused with the attention whores.

What I See

I am not searching for a "soul mate". I'm not even searching for a mate. But every once in a while, someone just strikes me.

It takes a very unique sets of traits for me to see that in someone. I seem to see not a physical appearance, but rather it's reflected by the personality and intellect, that's how I perceive someone's outward appearance. Think of it like this: ever see a picture after a car wreck? You see the car banged up, but you don't know how it came to be that way. Well, when I see pictures of that certain "someone", it's like that. A still picture cannot convey, adequately, what I see and perceive.

All that aside, I hate when these things happen. My severe lack of trust of anyone is what will keep any kind of normal person away. Among other things. And it's always the wrong person. That even a normal fantastical scenario would never exist. Luckily, I can probably blame it on youth.

That's the one thing I love about my pseudo-alzheimers. It allows me to forget what I feel, a lot of the time. Forgetting is good.

Afterthought

I realized a few things out in San Diego. Whatever I fooled my own mind into thinking beforehand, all went away as the times for choices came. I am who I am, simply put. I can't just be, like some people. I need a purpose. That's why tragedy is so attractive. Tragedy weakens the complacent and allows others to display their talents and abilities.

This trip also accelerated my growth, almost exponentially. I learned a lot. About myself and about the nature of humans.

Also, a strange thing happened. An "overwhelming" feeling befallen me. Sure, it was gut and it was instinct, without any logic or reason. Perhaps I missed my chance to explore it further. But it will fade with time. Feelings and emotions are only good, when kept in check. And this trip expelled too much from me. I am not one for feeling helpless, but such situations like these paralyze the unprepared. And unprepared I was.

And the sweet embrace of seclusion beckons me, once again. After two weeks of "being wanted", I am ready to fall back into my typical role.

I have changed. Only time will tell in what ways I changed the most.

The Curse

There's this curse that has been following me for as long as I could remember. I never actually acknowledged it as a curse, before now. But I am convinced that it is. Curse, bad karma, bad juju, whatever you want to call it. And it goes like this:

Everything good that has ever happened to me, an equal (or greater) bad thing has happened. It first started with my most major car accident. My older brother (who I adored at the time) gave me these two giant plastic coins (one of nickel, one of the penny). Being that I adored him, I adored these coins. Coincidentally, that same day was the wreck and I lost those coins. It's a small thing, but to me, it was the worst. And it just gotten worse over time.

Now, the latest... I am destined to live a life of misery. Bad things that happen, they can't be stopped. And the trend is such that it's not "fate" or "things happening for a reason". It's a direct attempt at ill will.

Suppose, maybe, there is really a god. And I pissed him off.

The Outsider's Edge

So, now it's official. I'm not a group person. I previously thought this was because the groups that were the options, well, sucked. This is not the case. Even when I should be with "my group", I'm not. Simply because they are just not compatible people. I mean, these people have put entertainment up on a pedestal. I know this is a once in a decade trip, but they seem to salivate at thought of seeing a celebrity. Why? What do these celebrities do? They do nothing.

Entertainment used to be a muse for people of action. A source of inspiration to change the world. It was to move the mind, force you to think in ways that will cause you to reflect upon society and reflect upon yourself. Sadly though, this is no longer the case. Entertainment now is just a vessel for people to forget about their problems, instead of dealing with them directly or doing something to better their situation. It's just fucking disheartening to see what "moves" these people. Shakespeare and other known artists would go into rage at what is being done because of their work.

Basically, I realize why I am this way, now. I realize, without any confusion (okay, still a little), what I must do. My life's goal. I must reawaken human ingenuity. I must do the thing that no one wishes, so we can get back to what we do best: innovate, invent, discover, philosophize, ponder, wonder, and just plain be curious again.

I latched onto these people, the WTG community people, maybe I was hoping. Hoping that maybe they aren't as vain as they appear. Maybe, they ponder and wonder. Maybe they think, theorize and try to figure out. Maybe I'm just another blind fool. I could understand a small moment of "Ah, there's . Hmm, that's cool" But to lose your mind, to see, to hear, to..... it's pointless. What the fuck are they! They are no one! They won't change the world. They could die and the world would mourn, sure, but it would be none the different the next day! Why is so much focus on these people!

I realize I cannot wait for this tragedy to naturally occur. Action must be taken. Mankind must realize the potential that got us here, in the first place. This is, without a doubt, the saddest age of mankind.