Afterthought

I realized a few things out in San Diego. Whatever I fooled my own mind into thinking beforehand, all went away as the times for choices came. I am who I am, simply put. I can't just be, like some people. I need a purpose. That's why tragedy is so attractive. Tragedy weakens the complacent and allows others to display their talents and abilities.

This trip also accelerated my growth, almost exponentially. I learned a lot. About myself and about the nature of humans.

Also, a strange thing happened. An "overwhelming" feeling befallen me. Sure, it was gut and it was instinct, without any logic or reason. Perhaps I missed my chance to explore it further. But it will fade with time. Feelings and emotions are only good, when kept in check. And this trip expelled too much from me. I am not one for feeling helpless, but such situations like these paralyze the unprepared. And unprepared I was.

And the sweet embrace of seclusion beckons me, once again. After two weeks of "being wanted", I am ready to fall back into my typical role.

I have changed. Only time will tell in what ways I changed the most.

The Curse

There's this curse that has been following me for as long as I could remember. I never actually acknowledged it as a curse, before now. But I am convinced that it is. Curse, bad karma, bad juju, whatever you want to call it. And it goes like this:

Everything good that has ever happened to me, an equal (or greater) bad thing has happened. It first started with my most major car accident. My older brother (who I adored at the time) gave me these two giant plastic coins (one of nickel, one of the penny). Being that I adored him, I adored these coins. Coincidentally, that same day was the wreck and I lost those coins. It's a small thing, but to me, it was the worst. And it just gotten worse over time.

Now, the latest... I am destined to live a life of misery. Bad things that happen, they can't be stopped. And the trend is such that it's not "fate" or "things happening for a reason". It's a direct attempt at ill will.

Suppose, maybe, there is really a god. And I pissed him off.

The Outsider's Edge

So, now it's official. I'm not a group person. I previously thought this was because the groups that were the options, well, sucked. This is not the case. Even when I should be with "my group", I'm not. Simply because they are just not compatible people. I mean, these people have put entertainment up on a pedestal. I know this is a once in a decade trip, but they seem to salivate at thought of seeing a celebrity. Why? What do these celebrities do? They do nothing.

Entertainment used to be a muse for people of action. A source of inspiration to change the world. It was to move the mind, force you to think in ways that will cause you to reflect upon society and reflect upon yourself. Sadly though, this is no longer the case. Entertainment now is just a vessel for people to forget about their problems, instead of dealing with them directly or doing something to better their situation. It's just fucking disheartening to see what "moves" these people. Shakespeare and other known artists would go into rage at what is being done because of their work.

Basically, I realize why I am this way, now. I realize, without any confusion (okay, still a little), what I must do. My life's goal. I must reawaken human ingenuity. I must do the thing that no one wishes, so we can get back to what we do best: innovate, invent, discover, philosophize, ponder, wonder, and just plain be curious again.

I latched onto these people, the WTG community people, maybe I was hoping. Hoping that maybe they aren't as vain as they appear. Maybe, they ponder and wonder. Maybe they think, theorize and try to figure out. Maybe I'm just another blind fool. I could understand a small moment of "Ah, there's . Hmm, that's cool" But to lose your mind, to see, to hear, to..... it's pointless. What the fuck are they! They are no one! They won't change the world. They could die and the world would mourn, sure, but it would be none the different the next day! Why is so much focus on these people!

I realize I cannot wait for this tragedy to naturally occur. Action must be taken. Mankind must realize the potential that got us here, in the first place. This is, without a doubt, the saddest age of mankind.

Day One

So, it was the first official day of... this. The early part was shot for "particular" reasons. After that was resolved, the rest went well enough. Walked around a lot. I observed some pecular beheviour. People seem almost oblivious to anything outside of their little existence. Besides the occasional glance, everyone seemed to just go on. Before, I used to hear these stories about crimes being committed out in the open, in public, and no one doing anything. I never understood that. Now, I do.

The other thing was the fact that everyone was either rude and a prick/bitch, or the nicest people ever. Very few seemed to be in the middle.

My downtown frolic was nothing short of nothing. Although, I was openly accused of being a stalker perv. That was fun. I wanted, really badly, for an accident to occur or just something really bad to happen, to just see their reaction. I was disappointed.

Lastly on the agenda, a pub meetup with the "internets" people (Dani, Eva, Nas [roomie], Jenni Powell, Edgar Garcia, Nathan Tamayo, Sam Proof, Jamie [friend of Jenni and Edgar]). I couldn't have been more awkward or nervous, unless I were naked. It's hard to present a physical appearance to those who seem to have a general idea of your character. Fine.... who knew me. It's hard to maintain the composure I was supposed to have. Instead, I turned into that fidgety guy with the bomb, on the plane. Not the mention the music, i.e. LOUDEST FUCKING NOISE I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE, meant I could be tucked away without being involved in the conversation. I don't do groups. I do individuals (okay, that sounded way worse than I was intending), pairs, one-on-ones. We, then, moved to a less noisy, albeit still goddamn loud, bar, Marble Room, 'twas a good place, I suppose.

My detachment wasn't caused by my apathy for the group. Contrarily, those were good people, and I was glad to be there. It was being in a group, in general. So, there everyone was going on, laughing it up (especially Tamayo.... maybe he was really smashed?), I didn't understand it. I tried, but it's like trying major league baseball, based on your prior experience being Little League. Though, I warned them, beforehand. NOT the chatty type. At least not in groups.

Only day one.... who knows what tomorrow will bring....

My Super Special Awesome Excursion

So, here comes that time where a huge event is coming up. And everyone who is going is blogging and talking about their experiences. Their "physical" experiences. I should, too. Talk about how my flight goes, first arriving in my hotel, sights and sounds in the city, hitting the latest tourist---- fuck it.

I can't do it. I can't talk about events as just they are, as presented with facts. As with a title as "Just Think", I will present them with thoughts. If there are no thoughts, I'm not talking about it. Could I pull off what everyone else is doing? No. Simply put, no.

This is my pre-uhh, blog, I guess.

Nerve-wracking, we will see if I become violent or not.

Love Is.....

Stupid. Completely and utterly. It has no point. It's a simple need, simple desire to give us the impression that procreation means something. I know I've heard the same crap over and over "It's not supposed to be logical. It is supposed to illogical and unreasonable". Yeah, that's your best argument against this?

It seems that people are just trying to justify it, someway. They know it's bullshit. It's just some imaginative story that you can wing around, thinking someone actually cares. Don't get me wrong, some people delude themselves into that kind of thinking. Then, they WAKE UP! But they fail again, when "the one" comes around. It's like some sick cycle.

Now the next argument "You don't know because you've never been in love". Oh, like some anonymous chick is just going to make me change ALL my ways. Unlikely. And yeah, suppose I've never been "in love". What does that even entail? I've had infatuations, until I realize how stupid either the infatuation is, or how much the person is. Either way, I realize the idiocy of it all.

Love is defined as "an intense emotional attachment". What you perceive as a strong attachment is nothing more than a played out infatuation, which inevitably ends in disaster for all parties involved. And when people spout off about "true love", makes me want to vomit. The idea of love and "true love" is good and everything, but, just like religion, IT'S JUST NOT FUCKING TRUE!

People who search for love, they aren't searching for a person, they are searching for the idea. Now, here's the part where the typical person would call me gay or some shit like that. That, of course, is just wrong and ignorant, and downright retarded.

There are girls that I like. Plenty of them. But I wouldn't pursue a romantic or sexual relationship with any of them. Because that just muddies the water. Puts undo pressure on the relationship. That brings up another thing I am repulsed by. It seems to me that most boy/girl relationships (that aren't family, obviously), they have to go the whole "love" route. Why? Why is that even an entertained notion? Why can't there just be friends?

I hate the whole idea, and I probably always will.

How To Avoid Chatting With An Overtly Chatty Motherfu%$# (Without Being Rude)

So, we have all been there. Somewhere we had to be for a few hours, we all have been around that one person (or in my case, damn near everyone in the place) that just will never shut up. Every little thought that passes through their empty head, they vocalize it to the nearest ear. Personally, I have no qualms about telling this person to shut the hell up. But others do. And they don't always want to be rude about it. So this is my guide to get these people from talking your head off (of course, these won't always work, they are just generalizations. Interpret what you will):

#1: Avoid eye contact, at all costs.
For some reason, these people see eye contact as a way of showing interest. Kind of like with a dog. Don't look them in the eye. Even a passing glance. This is pretty much around the board for most of these people.

#2: Do NOT participate in the conversation, at all.
When they are going on about whatever, the one thing you don't do is acknowledge their presence. You can nod, look bored, but do not utter a single word. It helps if, in a serious work/school situation, to get a work conversation started with someone else. About important matters. This, sometimes, has a way of getting the chatties to stop, because of the work getting in the way of their nothing speech.

#3: Look busy or involved in something else
Once they get started, it's hard to get them to stop, short of using my preferred method. So, once involved, look around at what needs to be done. Surely, if you are in a situation you must be in, there must be some busy work. Get into that. No matter what it is, pretend to concentrate really hard. If all else fails, try to exit the area, most likely one where the chatty can't leave.


#4 (optional): Say some screwed up stuff
In between times of non-stop chittering, walk over to them, of your own volition and say some really out-there stuff. Personally, I like talking about gore, violence, absurd notions of taking down world governments, or if you really want to be hardcore, just discuss straight out murder (it helps to use facial expressions to drive in your "point"). Now, because these people are just mouths with arms and legs, they won't think or even want to talk about this kind of stuff. So, they will not approach you again.

Using these tips, you may just avoid unwanted conversation with those who truly have nothing to say. If all else fails, just talk about that one time you put grape jelly in your------ (inside joke, hehe).

Just Another Body

I am like you. I am just a person. Just one of the billions. Nothing completely distinguishable from the rest of the herd. I am just a faceless, nameless living body that you know. Or think you know, anyway. You see only what I let you to see. Manipulating thoughts, feelings, and facts, like everyone else. But really insignificant when it comes to you. Significant to me, and only me.

Have no expectations of me. Don't assume you'll know how I'll act. Don't assume you think what's going on, in my head. Don't judge until you've gathered enough information. And if it doesn't work out, fine, so be it. There are billions of others to choose from. A wide variety of personalities. A plethora of different personas and perspectives.

I am just a reflection of how you see yourself. I am just a mirror to all that you are. When you read these words, you will interpret them differently than everyone else. What they mean TO YOU.

Because when you get done to it, you mean nothing to me....... and I mean nothing to you.

The Human Zoo Part Two: Shorty Shorts on 12 Year Old Girls, 20 Year Olds With A 2 Year Old Kid, More Fat People on Motorized Scooters

I, once again, made a trek to your local, family-friendly Wal-Mart. I revile in disgust, as usual.

As I was walking around, I noticed a very odd thing. On these young girls, their outfits are getting more and more..... non-existent. Almost to the point of sympathizing with the pedophiles. And the parents say NOTHING. Dammit, parents, you can't leave teenagers up to make their own decisions!

Another thing I noticed is all these kids! I mean, one out of every three people was lugging some useless little nothing around. Usually more than one. At one point, I seen a young adult woman around a bunch of kids. One would naturally assume that she was the older sister. Until the oldest looked up at her and said "Hey, Mom....". Shocking. Why do they need to reproduce so much? To what end? To what point?

Another point of contention: fat people. First it was the scooters. Now, it's a legal handicap. That's right, my Non-American friends, it is now considered legal to get a handicap permit FOR BEING FUCKING FAT! WTF, America! Fat people should be dragged off and shot. They serve no purpose. Maybe a great mind. We can let those survive.

Another thing I noticed: how the typical male group isn't there. Obviously guys aren't much into shopping. You'll mostly find this pitiful group at most worksites, whilst you won't find the typical female group there. Only in the malls... spending whose money? Hmmm, something to think about.

One more thing to say: single moms. In particular, the group I mentioned earlier. Most were just by themselves. This infuriated me. Why don't people learn. Have kids with the person you LOVE. Not some jackass who's "hawt".

Finally, my racist thought for the day. Why do I get so offended at a black guy with a white girl?
I'm find with a white dude and a black chick. But I think I discovered the race hierarchy, here.
White girl - black guy. Black girl - Latin guy. Latin chicka - Asian guy. And finally, Asian schoolgirl - creepy White guy.

More to come. I know. Edge of your seat.

The Benefits of Dying

There has been something bugging me, for a long time now. So we all know pricks, assholes, bad people etc. Why is it, when they die, all of a sudden they "lived a good life"? Like dying makes you a nicer person. People come out for your funeral, people who you have not been the best with, all for the sake of "letting bygones be bygones". Screw that! Someone I hate dies, I relish it. I don't say "Well, he's dead now, so I forgive him for everything". Is hating someone who's dead that taboo? I mean, honestly.

Although it wasn't really hatred, MJ made me think to write this. Everyone is "mourning the Pop King". Yeah, whatever. A few years ago, everyone thought he was a pedophile. Badgered, justifiable, for his unusual behavior. So why does, when he die, he transcends and becomes the goddamn media event of the digital age?

Remember people for what they did, not when they die.