Memories

Just tonight, I realized how much trauma (most importantly, emotional trauma) completely alters your memory. You recollect events in different orders, forget whole conversations, even mix up who said what. When you look upon a certain event, you turn to hatred, bitterness.... and then to the feeling you had at the time, and then feel guilty for feeling then feel angry for feeling guilty and then just get overall depress at getting anger at yourself for feeling guilty over something stupid.

Our lives are lived in a hurricane, without only brief moments in the eye, where everything is calm and peaceful. I fucking hate technology for bringing this down upon me. I could have lived in complete isolation and solace and maybe have made some great philosophical breakthrough in terms of the way we relate to each other and the cosmos. No, no, instead I started engaging whiny bitches on the internet and thus became one.

After events such as these, you must remember to leave things in the past. EVERYTHING in the past. No revisiting, no remarking, no checking for fucking continuity. Just leave it all and never look back. The only problem is that history tends to repeat itself. If you don't learn from your past mistakes, then you may have them done again by your own hand, because you see, history tends to repeat itself. Take your lessons from the little amount of hard evidence you have to look at. I hate the way it turned out, absolutely loathe it to infinity and hate reading everything before then, because it reminds me of how I felt, how that thing I vowed never to let happen..... happened.

Yet, I would lose my mind if all evidence was erased from existence.