I'm Interesting

I don't think one person on the world thinks of themselves that they aren't the most interesting person they've ever known. I certainly think I have a lot of interesting to rant on (part of my responsibility in this little experiment called public knowledge of certain "personal" topics). But I can only compare myself to the beings of my environment, which is like acknowledging what's more dangerous, a Bengal tiger or a tabby cat. People who spout ignorant statements, passing off offhand opinions as if fact. If I lived in a bigger city, I may be more humble. But as it stands, I easily stand above these primitives I live around.

Now before when I thought I wasn't interesting (aka before the internet), I listened to people. They didn't have anything to really say, but I savor knowledge. Now that I have access to more information (and the fact that people outside aren't really as different as I thought), I have kinda elevated myself to a higher plateau, if you will, than I deserve. I don't know how to listen now. I have come from being a bystander, watching, to a participant, expressing and fighting for my beliefs.

It's funny when you change, because it's usually so subtle to you that you don't notice. It's what I've always said "I don't want to be the same person in a year" and indeed I have kept my word, incorporating new information to add to the ever expanding matrix, attributing to how I perceive everything. It's a good thing, I know. If I'm in a bad environment, I adapt to fit that environment. Considering I've always been in a bad area, if I move to something better, will I change.... to fit? It's kinda a conformist's attitude, which is bad.

Mortality

I think about death. Most people don't. Most are afraid to even utter the word. I tried, with some random folks, but instead I get a horrified response "Shh! Don't talk like that" as if Death is listening or something. We live, thus we die. It's simple. Now, it's not healthy to be thinking that much about it. It's not like something is too be gained, except for a greater appreciation of life.

Also, most people have a problem with dying. That's alright, nothing wrong with that. But life is not important. Sentient life is completely unnatural. It defies the natural cycle, by sheer will alone. There is an order in nature. And resisting an inevitable turn is just..... unnatural. I am not yet over my fear of death. I'm almost there. I'm sure if I asked a random stranger why they are alive, they would answer (after they get through with the weirdness of some guy asking them this) "Why would I die?". The problem with people and grieving is that they think life is eternal until it just happens. Being as how I don't care about near anyone, I haven't experienced this loss, firsthand. Sure, relatives, but I don't count them, as my standard of life was not affected. Will I see a shift in my stance on death if I experience firsthand? Who knows, but I doubt it. Living beings cannot comprehend death because you cannot compare it to any other kind of experience. To just not be. An end to your influence, your actions in the world.

Not So Special

There are several factors that make up how people act. But they are all indirect. Most have nothing to even do with the thoughts. Background, environment, prior relationships/contacts, family, religious affiliation... I could go on all day. Point is, no one is truly special or different. I'm certainly not. I can cite each instance of my "personality" in a previous experience. We are just the product of our experiences. That's all. So, the next time you go out of your way to think that someone is different from all the rest, just think: they just had slightly different experiences, but that doesn't necessarily lead to a difference worth noting, just a difference. Nothing under, just a difference, not more or less, just equally different. It's great, if things don't work out, just look for other people with different experiences. Sure, you couldn't make a test and determine which experiences you want or not want. It's somewhat dependent upon the person, but ultimately, it's not that big a factor in it.

Billions of lives.... nothing is truly different, just merely unknown.

Remembrance

I can't stop thinking. Each little thing that happens brings new light into that particular piece of my life. Simple acts turn into grandeur conspiracies. The need to know what you think about, especially when it pertains to me, causes to act in a way that either reinforces that belief (which could be non-existent to begin with) or creates it. The character, the show I put on for you to judge that, instead what I really am, it creates all this data to be stored. With each analysis, with each piece of information I garner, I feel that just the simple act of remembering reality without tons of MY perspective (some will be there, there's no getting around that) is growing harder and harder. I forget the majority of things I shouldn't. Maybe from all the other data, that this I deem insignificant, gets deleted. This is why I cannot carry on in any normal kind of fashion. This is why how I relate to all of you will be just all me. You have no say in the matter.

That's just a theory. The real reason, I don't know. Maybe in a few years, I won't even remember anything that is happening now, even significant events. It's growing, this "disease" or whatever it is.

Through the constant face, that is the only way I'll remember. What would you do?

Standing On The Edge

"I've been standing on the edge of the roof looking down
I've been looking at the people that are gathering around
I've been here for an hour or maybe even more
Just looking at the people that I've never seen before
Stupid little suckers all laughing at me
No wills, cheap thrills, you're puppets to the master
Your only satisfaction is my lonely disaster
You learned how to creep, you learned how to crawl
But you never really learned anything at all

When I was a boy, everything was just fine
I learned how to talk and how to walk in line
I had to learn the rules that built our society
But I could never understand, it didn't mean shit to me
Everybody always told that I was out of my mind
But I never did kiss anybody's behind
I'm a lot older and I guess I should know
But I'm standing on the roof, just watching the show
Standing on the edge, and my step belongs to me
And I'm telling you all, I won't miss what I see

One foot over, there's not time to turn around
Both feet are over and I'm heading to the ground
I'm flying in the air and I can feel the cool breeze
The people on the pavement have gone into a freeze
No space, no time, it's like walking on the Moon
My heart is still beating, but it won't be soon
I can hear myself scream when I hit the street
I can't feel a thing from my head to my feet
I told you I would do it and I didn't even cry
I feel more alive dead, than when I was alive"

-Clawfinger's Catch Me, translated and taken from the Asta Kask song Dom Får Aldrig Mig.

Conservatism in America

I am led to believe that anyone who calls themselves a "conservative" without adding "but not with those nutjobs who say Obama is a racist Nazi" should just shut the hell up and not vote. These conservatives are now becoming my favorite people to hate, passing theists. How can you honestly sit there and say things like "Obama's a Nazi, an enemy within, he's out to take our freedoms and expand the government" when the two last motherfuckers DID that? Bush and Cheney pushed executive power passed the constitutional limit. Executive orders are a natural part of that branch, but when Dumb and Dumber used it to wiretap and imprison people without a trial, how can the conservatives claim that more government was started by Obama? It's hypocrisy on the highest level.

My next point, remember when they said stand by your president, because he's your leader? Yep, thrown that right out the window. Now it's "challenge your president and question his every move, even when it's not an important one" (when Obama went to lay down his case for Chicago for the Olympics). These same people, when liberals and rational people challenged the Bush administration, called them unpatriotic and siding with the terrorists. And now with McCarthyism becoming a cool thing again, a war of the nation is going to happen. Some dumbass, uninformed, uneducated (because he thinks Glenn Beck is a goddamn prophet) is going to make a move and we would have to act.

Reason and logic are the mortal enemies of stupidity.

The Human Perception

Humans can only perceive things in the human universe. We can't think of what it's like to have pincers, wings, fins, or long tails. We can only comprehend things, through the filter of human and life. We can't comprehend death because we have only experienced things, through life. It's like saying you can successfully pilot an aircraft, when the most complicated machine you've driven was a bicycle.You just can't comprehend not existing. Really ponder it. Imagine dying and just not existing. That's right, can't do it. Now, from that detour, my main focus:

Deist argue that God did this, God did that. God seems less like a supreme being and more like a human with powers. A supreme being would not be doing things we comprehend. To lump God with some sort of extraordinary purpose, when all he does is punish those he doesn't agree with. "God is mysterious" no. God is maniacal, not mysterious. You can say the same thing about serial killers. Were they not mysterious, with unknown motives?

And now the afterlife, my biggest peeve with humans perceiving otherworldly events, with a human bias. If you transcend your species into something else (aka the afterlife), will you still crave the same things? Being a completely spiritual entity, will you still want 72 virgins? Would you still want humanly pleasures? No, you would fundamentally change, based on what you would become, in the afterlife. You wouldn't have the same biological urges, because urges are for living beings. Don't you see? What would drive you in this life, wouldn't in the after. What you want out of everlasting life in your human form, would change. There's really no way I can explain it better. Urges, wants, needs... they are for living creatures, with chemicals in their brains driving such forces.