Déjà vu

I know I'm not cut out for it, subconsciously or otherwise. I can't express it when I have it and, of course, I want it when I don't. But all of this stems from one basic problem - emotions. Chemical brain states that alter our behavior, favoring one brain state over another for a "feeling". I won't even mention the illusions. The younger version of me hated these brain states with a passion (pardon the pun) because they cause weakness because they do alter your behavior without your best interest in mind, only the perpetuation or negation of one particular brain state. But now I'm not so sure. I'm also not so sure how many times I'll go through this same process, same exact thing only with a different name. Isn't that what life is, though? We do strive for the new and fresh, but I didn't think I was that particular way, I just thought I was picky.

I'm not a bad person, really. Maybe from a general standpoint, but personally, I happen to think I'm very good. But I come off so bad when I'm doing things differently than in the past that did cause harm. Maybe it's different for every case? I don't want to necessarily give up on this one though. But maybe I like this case because of the brain state, I liked the previous cases when now I don't..... is it just a matter of perspective? Justification of how reality is now? If life is full of this kind of subjective reality, how can you every know what's right and wrong? But if I try, I'll feel worse. Because it probably won't work. Even now, it would be too weird, things would never be right. And this would have never happened if..... I think I have the solution now. Of course, this is for future cases, but not the pending case.

I think I know what to do now.

Competition

I know we are generally a competition driven species. We seek to one up our fellow man to get more money, attention, fame, power, what have you. But why are some people so focused on others? I saw this a lot in school, mostly with kids (and immature adults), they gossip, they create and spread rumors, just to put down someone to elevate themselves, if only in their minds. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the occasional bashing of those that I think are inferior, but such a systematic approach, a routine of this, I just don't understand. Consumed with appearances, reputation, competition, but not even for any end game, just for a self satisfying boost. Maybe it's because I think that too many people do not deserve the honor of my constant hate, but I think that is not a way to go because when everyone is gone, how will you manage life then?